Round 5

I decided to write again since it's "been a moment", and logged on to my old blog. I found this post from a few months ago and realized I have to share this before my new thinking will make sense, so here it is. This is from May of this year.
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   It's been a long time since I've posted here, but my life took off in crazy directions. It seemed out of control for awhile and it was taking me along. I was afraid I would end up crazy and out of control too, so I made changes. I made some BIG changes.
   There are always details in life that others control but affect us personally. Usually, I "roll with it" and adjust, but in this case, my job had taken so many turns in the last few years with a substantial staff turn-over, even the change was changing. The new leadership was going in a direction that was completely contrary to my philosophy of human interaction. The environment was filled with mistrust, cynicism, and competition and I could no longer function professionally. I decided to remove myself before it completely consumed me. Looking back, I probably tried to "roll with it" longer than I should have. It was unhealthy for me, but it's difficult to see clearly within the throes.
   It's been a journey of self discovery to say the least. I expected to feel peace as soon as I was no longer in the midst of the chaos. It didn't happen. I wondered if I was too hasty, but when I tried to imagine myself working there again, I had an anxiety attack. I had absolutely made the right choice. Perhaps I needed to add something that "fed" me, so I picked up crocheting. I had learned to crochet as a young girl, but hadn't picked up a hook in decades. It was cathartic to say the least. I've seen a shirt recently that says, "I crochet to keep from punching people in the throat".  That message is a bit extreme for me to wear, but I did giggle and I thought, "I really do understand". I have become uber-protective of my health, my time, my energy, and my sanity. I guess you could say I'm reclaiming some space to call mine.
   The crochet project I'm working on just seems to fit because each individual stitch is helping to create something pretty amazing. There are 8 rounds to each smaller part needed to create the whole. Each piece completely changes shape between round 4 and round 5.


ROUND 4

ROUND 5



In round 4 the piece is drawn up and tight, and in round 5 the piece is pulled flat and laid open. Since I like to use analogies to define concepts that are personal, I like to think of my life as being in the middle of "round 5". Looking forward to pieces that await.

Life's hidden surprises.

     An amazing and overwhelming thing happened. Some friends and I were posting and commenting on pictures on Facebook from our years in high school. We laughed and talked lightheartedly about the years that passed and reminisced about 'back when'. It was fun and heart warming, and left me wishing to go back for a moment and enjoy some of those events with my current wisdom. More pictures were posted and there it was, .............................. THE PICTURE. My husband as I first knew him. It was taken 36 years ago on the same day my husband asked me out for the first time.
     We met in high school, technically during our freshman year, but we didn't really speak to each other until our senior year. He was the class 'jock' and I was the class 'nerd'. He participated in every sport that he could feasibly, while I was extremely serious about my responsibilities in life. We were an unlikely pair.
     As I looked at that picture, I remembered how strong my feelings were as a young girl. Sitting next to him as we looked at that photo, I told my husband he was so handsome in those days (not my most thoughtful moment). He feigned wounded feelings and wondered aloud why I used the word "was".
     What I couldn't articulate to him was the disconnection I felt from my feelings during that phase in our lives. Admittedly, we have aged. Nature has taken it's course and we did not escape her path.  The young man in that picture is definitely not the same man that sat on the couch next to me. He's lost much of his hair and his chiseled jaw has rounded a bit. Perhaps that sounds like a bad thing, but I don't feel that way.
     I look at my husband now and I see the hills and valleys of our life etched across his face. The laugh lines next to his eyes are amazing. When he's happy, his whole face smiles. The steel blue of his eyes have softened all the pain I ever experienced. The strength in his hands remind me of the many times he held me up when I didn't think I could face another tough loss/change/day. The sparkle in his eye when he does something childlike and mischievous makes me laugh even when I want to be mad at him.
     There is so much more depth to the man I see when I look at him now. That makes him so much more handsome and desirable than that young man from our high school days.  While I sometimes wish we had the strength and stamina from those days, I wouldn't go back now to the people we were then. I look at my husband and I still see the young man in that picture, but when I look at that picture, I see only a hint of the man I love right now.

 

I knew this woman.......

     I'm not ashamed to admit that I am not the person you know. I haven't become me yet. What you see are fragments of the end result. I pretend a little every day. I guess you could call me a "phony". I won't even be offended. For me, the hardest part about life is failing to be the person I pretend to be. I must practice more everyday. 
     When I was young, my father told me with enough practice I can become good at anything I choose. So, ............... I choose to be better. I choose to be positive. I choose to be compassionate, I choose to be selfless. I choose to be forgiving and sensitive to others, I choose to be kind, open and accepting, I choose to be loving.
     It is my intention to be phony until I'm not. I am on the "fake-it-until-you-make-it" bandwagon.
     For years I worried people would find out I'm not as good as I try to be. I felt bad about being a fake until I realized, in my charade I commit acts of kindness and I act like a better person. What would life really be like if more people "acted" like better people. Would there be a bunch of phonies walking around committing acts of kindness?  I'd take that any day over a bunch of "real" people walking around criticizing others for being fake. I know plenty of "real" people who pretend they don't care what others think of them. So many people post that sentiment on Facebook every day. I believe the truth is, we all care what others think of us. I believe we should care. It's the only hope of becoming better. The benefit to pretending is if you accidentally let others get a peek of the "real" you, you can start right away pretending to be better again.
    

How do we live in the change

   Every event in our life creates a period of transition. For many events it can be a matter of minutes, others may require years. And then there are some that seem to throw our lives into perpetual transition.
  Yesterday, some of my family and I stopped by the funeral home to begin the preliminary arrangements for my brother's services. Most had been prearranged, thanks to my older brothers, who had the foresight years ago to sit down with him and work them out. As the director verified information necessary to begin the home's duties, the questions caused my mind to spin. My thoughts were in present terms AND past terms and some answers came in both, at the same time.
   I don't yet know what my brother's death will do to our lives. We are still adjusting to my other brother's death two years ago. How do you go from having six siblings to having five then four?  Well technically, you don't. My brothers are still my brothers. They just don't walk in this life any longer. There is some comfort in that, but it doesn't help the awkward moments when someone innocently asks, 'Do you come from a large family?' I used to enjoy that question.  Now it causes me to pause, sputter and stammer. I know the next question is usually "do they all live here?" How do I truthfully answer that question without making the inquirer feel bad?, without making me feel bad? My mother knew this would be my burden. Many times she told me I shouldn't wear my heart on my sleeve. That when I expose my feelings so easily I give away the power in my relationships. (Pretty ironic for someone with control issues, right?)
   This transition, this new status is what my family and I face for the rest of our lives, it isn't a choice. Thankfully, I know we will get through it and it will bring us closer. For this 'family strength', I thank my parents. For their love and unwavering support, I thank my brothers and sisters and their spouses-my other brothers and sisters. I love you all so very much, you give me continued hope and courage.

Our Journey Continues

   A year and a half ago, when I started this blog, I could have predicted this entry would be written, at least at some point. It seems it was inevitable.
   This morning shortly before breakfast time, my little brother took his last breath. We, his daughter, my brothers and sisters and I, were all caught off-guard.  The subtle signs were there. He had been getting progressively weaker, more tired and certainly less stable on his feet. But........., there were appointments on his calendar that needed to be kept. There were events he(we) still had planned to attend.
   Of course, none of those things matter now. Really the only thing that matters is that his struggle and pain are over. I wish I could say that makes this easier, but it doesn't.  I wish I could say the length of this journey has given us time to reconcile with his death, but it hasn't. As much time as we've had to talk about it, to rationalize, to plan, to offer each other our support, it's still never enough time to prevent the wound to our hearts. I can't predict how long it will take..... a lifetime I imagine. 
   And this part of the journey goes on for those of us left.  My brothers and sisters and I, along with our extended family, our children and their children will continue to hold each other up and urge each other forward until the next journey begins.
  

Is it really funny?

     I was listening to the "Late Show" tonight and found myself chuckling at David Letterman wishing Dick "Boom Boom" Cheney a Happy Birthday. Most of the country, maybe even most of the world, knows of the hunting accident that involved Mr. Cheney shooting a hunting companion in the face. I think partly I laughed at the cleverness of this roasting under the pretense of good wishes and partly I laughed at the bold naughtiness of Mr. Letterman's comments. Then it occurred to me, as light-hearted as he wanted us to believe his comments were intended, he was still poking fun at what had to be a very traumatic event in Dick Cheney's life. Dick Cheney likely is expected to take it all as a good natured ribbing, yet it must dig deeper than we could ever imagine.
     I think it would be most difficult to force a smile, even superficially about a mistake I made that caused another person pain and suffering. Of all the pain I have experienced in my life, that which I have inflicted is more of a burden to me than that which has been inflicted upon me. So in retrospect I question why I would find myself giggling at the misfortune of another, especially of this magnitude.
     I don't find other people's suffering at all funny. In fact it causes me great distress. I can only surmise this type of humor must be a measure of self preservation, a way to keep oneself from being consumed by the pain of others.

Trust yourself

   I love to read. I read something every day. Sometimes I read books, sometimes I read articles. I have certain authors and certain genres that I enjoy more than others but there is a variety of topics that interest me. I think it's important to 'broaden my horizons' about subjects of which I'm not terribly knowledgeable. Considering many perspectives helps me form opinions. However when it comes to opinions, I don't consider anyone else's opinion to be more relevant than my own or my opinion more relevant than another person's.
   My point to this cyclical logic is that if you only use another person's insight as the basis for your opinion, then perhaps you should put down your book or newspaper, or step away from your computer, get out in the world and experience more of life for awhile. It isn't until you see, hear, smell and feel for yourself that you get the truths life has to offer. Once you do that in a way that opens your eyes and your heart to the idea of endless possibility, you will trust yourself. If you trust yourself it becomes unnecessary to be right or to have the last word.

Shall we stay or shall we go?

     It would be nice if every relationship were clear and tidy. If all the lines were sharp and there were no grey areas. The biggest difficulties lie in the overlaps. 
    Can you be excited and happy for someone you love, when someone else you love, feels offended by the one for whom you want to be excited and happy? If everyone involved is emotionally mature, it's possible. Emotional maturity seldom happens at the same rate for different people, ..... if it happens at all.
     It's a struggle for me to stay out of other people's relationships, especially if it appears their "bump" is clearly a misunderstanding and it feels like both parties want the friendship back. I am a "fixer".  I find solutions for problems. That's what I'm driven to do, but for the most part I manage to avoid offering to mediate.
     If a hiccup in the relationship of two people I love bleeds over into my life, I have less restraint.  I want the freedom to maintain/nurture my relationships separate from third party influences.  So if my friend expects me to prove my friendship by taking sides or ignoring mean-spirited behavior, I will speak up.  I believe that if you search your heart before you speak, say what you need to with all the love you feel, whatever the outcome may be, is what must be.
      I've learned to accept that not all relationships are meant to be true and strong, and it's okay to let some go.

Will this make me stronger?

     I've made a number of changes over the last year in my quest to be healthier. I gave up soda a little over a year ago. I limited fried foods and breads. I walk. I recently bought a new bicycle and had begun to ride. So, the decision to remove my gallbladder came out of left field and the urgency of it didn't give me time to plan or even do a little research about what I would be facing without it. Today marks one week post surgery and I'm not getting stronger as fast as I have after previous surgeries. While I'm older and I work a desk job, I'm not completely inactive.
     I haven't been having the kind of pain I expected and the discharge instructions stated "activity as tolerated".  I decided I was well enough to ease back into my life so I went back to work for half of a day on Tuesday, five days after surgery. By the end of my four hours I was exhausted.  I came home to take a nap and couldn't rest. I didn't sleep well Tuesday night so I took Wednesday off.  In between naps Wednesday, I did a little research about the effects of this surgery and was stunned by what I found.
     My life will never be the same. The good news is I have lost, and will certainly lose more weight. The not so good news is, I will have to be diligent about maintaining my strength and staying healthy.  The things I saw as special treats, the ice cream cone dates with my husband at Zestos, and my morning cup of coffee, while only occasional rewards, will now wreak havoc on my digestive system and interrupt any normal routine I try to keep. Food will have to be carefully planned but not necessarily for calorie count.
     Some articles offer assurances that these changes may only be temporary, perhaps a few weeks to a couple months. But the overwhelming response from patients who were asked to write about their experience is that they are dealing with the same issues years later and their lives have changed drastically.
     I've never shied away from a challenge I thought worth my energy, but my energy may have more to do with making the choice to face the challenge (if that makes sense to anyone other than me). So the looming question to be answered in the coming weeks is, "Will this [latest trial] make me stronger?" My mind says yes, but my body hasn't decided yet.

What a whirlwind

     Wow! I'm simply stunned by how quickly one's life can change and so much of it, a direct result of self-talk. In a matter of moments you can be headed in one direction and suddenly end up upside down.
     I've been exhausted for months and chalked it up to the major stresses that seem to come relentlessly; the loss of regular contact with my youngest son and my granddaughter, the death of one of my older brothers, the impending death my younger brother and the general stresses of working for a public entity. For the past few weeks I'd felt constantly queasy. I took the day off of work on Tuesday because I just wasn't feeling 'great'.
     I felt guilty because I questioned whether I was using it as an excuse to be lazy. I couldn't just lay down and rest, because I wasn't running a fever or throwing up or displaying any other obvious signs of illness. So I made myself get up and go to work on Wednesday. I told myself, I couldn't just stop my life and get off for awhile. When I got to work, I decided I was being silly. 'Just go to the doctor and get something to settle my stomach and get on with the business of living'. I got on the phone made an appointment for later that morning and patted myself on the back for being a 'big girl'.
     I discussed my symptoms with my doctor. She would draw some blood and run some test. Perhaps she would also take an x-ray of my abdomen and 'check my bowel, check my gallbladder, my pancreas, etc.' (ding-ding-ding). A little bell went off in my head. I needed to mention that pancreatic cancer is prevalent in my family. My father died of complications from the surgery for it, and my youngest brother is dealing with Pancreatic Cancer that has spread to his liver. That information changed her plans. She would still run the blood tests, but she would send me over to the hospital for a CT scan instead of the x-ray. The hospital would call her while I was still there to discuss the results of the scan. I wasn't overly concerned because she has been as proactive in previous appointments, in fact it was a bit of a relief. I didn't believe I had cancer, but after feeling icky for such a stretch, it would be nice to verify it's absence.
     After the CT Scan, she ordered an ultrasound. The hospital called her to discuss the results and she asked to speak to me. She told me they were admitting me to the hospital. What??!!?? I asked her when. She said as soon as they could clear the bed ......... I had a gallstone .......... the size of a golf ball (ironic since golf is my latest competition for Jim's time).
     The next morning (Thursday) the surgeon removed my gallbladder and later that night they sent me home.
     I'm sitting on my couch after this whirlwind, trying to wrap my thoughts around having surgery as the rest of the world goes on. It's only been two days since I thought I was going to the doctor to get something to settle my upset stomach and it feels like a lifetime ago. Wow!

For Better or Worse

     One day at work somebody asked, "You don't like change, do you?" I had to pause. The question surprised me because I'm a problem solver. I seek changes to streamline my life and allow me to get the most from resources around me; more time, more information, more enjoyment, etc. I decided the person that asked me that just didn't know me well.
    Today, that question came to mind. My son and I went to our cell phone provider to switch his service from our plan to his own plan. I listened as he explained his technology needs to the clerk. I've been delaying my own purchase of a new phone because the current models have too many features I don't need. They don't make my life better, just more digital.
    My son's job requires that he communicate 'on the go' and in multiple formats. His needs are more complex, but to say a particular innovation is the best choice just because it 'does more' is presumptuous. To others, it might seem I have an aversion to new technology. That's not true. My needs are just simple. I carry a cell phone for my convenience and I use it sparingly. It's even more rare that I send a text message, though I am glad I have that ability. My job doesn't require a cell phone, I work at a desk all day. I'll survive without access to the Internet during my three mile drive to and from work. I'm not waiting for an organ transplant and Publisher's Clearing House won't call in advance. 
    Not all change is necessary or even beneficial. As long as I have the option, I will have a land line and an answering machine at home. I make myself available 24 hours a day/7 days a week to my family and close friends, everyone else can wait until the appropriate day at an appropriate hour. 
    So.......to the person that wanted to know, (I have no recollection of who asked) I think I do handle change ....................really well.

Change IS good, but only if it enhances our lives!!       

  

Floating on a sea of hope

   I came from a not-so-small family and there was always something happening. Then I married someone from a not-so-small family and I doubled my calendar.  When our kids were small it was okay because our focus was on their needs. No one expected more of us.  We were young with a ton of energy, mental and physical and we juggled it well.
   As we got older I began to look forward to watching our children raise their families. I even had mental images of sitting on the porch watching our son toss a ball with his son as the sun was setting in the backround. HA! First mistake I made was conjuring up an image of his son. We have three grandchildren and all are girls (very young girls - the oldest is three). Please don't misunderstand me, I am thrilled with my granddaughters and the oldest can throw a ball very well.  But the crux of the matter is, I made a mental image of our life and how it should look.
    You can guess if I got one of the details so wrong, I got most of the details wrong. We spend no time on the porch. The other thing I hadn't calculated was the aging process. I didn't make room for deaths, divorces, heartbreak and health issues. It's expected now....... there will be things popping up at any time. In some cases we will be handling two or three crises at a time.
    Take last fall, (this is where the punch line "PLEASE take last fall!!" fits so well), our rollercoaster ride started when my husband helped move our niece and nephew from their home (they were losing it to foreclosure) into an apartment on very short notice. A couple months after they moved into their apartment, their apartment building burned to the ground. They got out okay but they lost everything except their lives. The following week one of my older brothers was diagnosed with cancer. We spent the next couple of weeks attending fundraisers to help our niece and nephew and their small children get back on their feet and to help my brother and sister-in-law cover the mounting costs of medication not covered by insurance.  The month after his diagnosis my brother died of a heart attack. It seems we put on our blinders and trudged forward, one foot after the other. Through all that, I find each of us takes a different path for grieving and healing and at different paces.
     My husband and I take a lot for granted. What that tells me is we have so much for which to be thankful, we forget it's not that way for everyone.  I'll work at recognizing my blessings.  Fortunately, 2010 ended. We toasted it's departure and talked about how much better 2011 would be. Well, in the words of Gomer Pyle, "Surprise, surprise, surprise".  Yesterday, my younger brother found out he has a tumor on his pancreas. 2011 is revealing it's true colors early in the year. I'm thinking if we are to stay ahead of the current in my 'sea of hope', I may need to pull out the paddles and start rowing like crazy.