I knew this woman.......

     I'm not ashamed to admit that I am not the person you know. I haven't become me yet. What you see are fragments of the end result. I pretend a little every day. I guess you could call me a "phony". I won't even be offended. For me, the hardest part about life is failing to be the person I pretend to be. I must practice more everyday. 
     When I was young, my father told me with enough practice I can become good at anything I choose. So, ............... I choose to be better. I choose to be positive. I choose to be compassionate, I choose to be selfless. I choose to be forgiving and sensitive to others, I choose to be kind, open and accepting, I choose to be loving.
     It is my intention to be phony until I'm not. I am on the "fake-it-until-you-make-it" bandwagon.
     For years I worried people would find out I'm not as good as I try to be. I felt bad about being a fake until I realized, in my charade I commit acts of kindness and I act like a better person. What would life really be like if more people "acted" like better people. Would there be a bunch of phonies walking around committing acts of kindness?  I'd take that any day over a bunch of "real" people walking around criticizing others for being fake. I know plenty of "real" people who pretend they don't care what others think of them. So many people post that sentiment on Facebook every day. I believe the truth is, we all care what others think of us. I believe we should care. It's the only hope of becoming better. The benefit to pretending is if you accidentally let others get a peek of the "real" you, you can start right away pretending to be better again.
    

Our Journey Continues

   A year and a half ago, when I started this blog, I could have predicted this entry would be written, at least at some point. It seems it was inevitable.
   This morning shortly before breakfast time, my little brother took his last breath. We, his daughter, my brothers and sisters and I, were all caught off-guard.  The subtle signs were there. He had been getting progressively weaker, more tired and certainly less stable on his feet. But........., there were appointments on his calendar that needed to be kept. There were events he(we) still had planned to attend.
   Of course, none of those things matter now. Really the only thing that matters is that his struggle and pain are over. I wish I could say that makes this easier, but it doesn't.  I wish I could say the length of this journey has given us time to reconcile with his death, but it hasn't. As much time as we've had to talk about it, to rationalize, to plan, to offer each other our support, it's still never enough time to prevent the wound to our hearts. I can't predict how long it will take..... a lifetime I imagine. 
   And this part of the journey goes on for those of us left.  My brothers and sisters and I, along with our extended family, our children and their children will continue to hold each other up and urge each other forward until the next journey begins.
  

My challenge for you today!

     Okay friends, I have a challenge for you, ........ a "dare". I dare you to do one thing each day for the next week that takes you out of your comfort zone and reconnects you with the person you want to be. I dare you to 'put yourself out there'. Say something or do something that positively affects another person, in spite of the weird looks and snide remarks you might receive.
     I'm not asking you to change the world, but if you do even one thing designed to make another person feel/be better and it takes a little courage on your part, it will have an impact on others, whether you see that impact or not.
     Here's an example of the type of thing I'm thinking about. Imagine you have a 'snob' in your office that clouds the office and makes everyone's job harder. Your coworkers avoid him/her because they don't want to be accused of being like them. You notice he/she has on a stunning new suit or they did some aspect of their job notably well. Stop them and sincerely compliment them as if you were already friends. It's a small risk, but it puts them in a positive personal light and removes some of the negative aura surrounding them. Immediately some portion of the tension in the office is gone. Everybody benefits. The same thing happens if you smile at people regularly. Eventually they realize it's sincere and they begin to smile back.
    I like to write comments on online news articles. We all have a tendency to pass judgement on people in the news with only the information in one article. We read a story, it offends our sensibilities and we lash out, mostly to prove to ourselves we couldn't be the person that makes a bad decision and ruins lives. 
   Strangely, even though we have the potential to be unreasonable, most of us are reasonable 95% of the time. It's the other 5% by which we will be judged.

Shall we stay or shall we go?

     It would be nice if every relationship were clear and tidy. If all the lines were sharp and there were no grey areas. The biggest difficulties lie in the overlaps. 
    Can you be excited and happy for someone you love, when someone else you love, feels offended by the one for whom you want to be excited and happy? If everyone involved is emotionally mature, it's possible. Emotional maturity seldom happens at the same rate for different people, ..... if it happens at all.
     It's a struggle for me to stay out of other people's relationships, especially if it appears their "bump" is clearly a misunderstanding and it feels like both parties want the friendship back. I am a "fixer".  I find solutions for problems. That's what I'm driven to do, but for the most part I manage to avoid offering to mediate.
     If a hiccup in the relationship of two people I love bleeds over into my life, I have less restraint.  I want the freedom to maintain/nurture my relationships separate from third party influences.  So if my friend expects me to prove my friendship by taking sides or ignoring mean-spirited behavior, I will speak up.  I believe that if you search your heart before you speak, say what you need to with all the love you feel, whatever the outcome may be, is what must be.
      I've learned to accept that not all relationships are meant to be true and strong, and it's okay to let some go.

Will this make me stronger?

     I've made a number of changes over the last year in my quest to be healthier. I gave up soda a little over a year ago. I limited fried foods and breads. I walk. I recently bought a new bicycle and had begun to ride. So, the decision to remove my gallbladder came out of left field and the urgency of it didn't give me time to plan or even do a little research about what I would be facing without it. Today marks one week post surgery and I'm not getting stronger as fast as I have after previous surgeries. While I'm older and I work a desk job, I'm not completely inactive.
     I haven't been having the kind of pain I expected and the discharge instructions stated "activity as tolerated".  I decided I was well enough to ease back into my life so I went back to work for half of a day on Tuesday, five days after surgery. By the end of my four hours I was exhausted.  I came home to take a nap and couldn't rest. I didn't sleep well Tuesday night so I took Wednesday off.  In between naps Wednesday, I did a little research about the effects of this surgery and was stunned by what I found.
     My life will never be the same. The good news is I have lost, and will certainly lose more weight. The not so good news is, I will have to be diligent about maintaining my strength and staying healthy.  The things I saw as special treats, the ice cream cone dates with my husband at Zestos, and my morning cup of coffee, while only occasional rewards, will now wreak havoc on my digestive system and interrupt any normal routine I try to keep. Food will have to be carefully planned but not necessarily for calorie count.
     Some articles offer assurances that these changes may only be temporary, perhaps a few weeks to a couple months. But the overwhelming response from patients who were asked to write about their experience is that they are dealing with the same issues years later and their lives have changed drastically.
     I've never shied away from a challenge I thought worth my energy, but my energy may have more to do with making the choice to face the challenge (if that makes sense to anyone other than me). So the looming question to be answered in the coming weeks is, "Will this [latest trial] make me stronger?" My mind says yes, but my body hasn't decided yet.

What a whirlwind

     Wow! I'm simply stunned by how quickly one's life can change and so much of it, a direct result of self-talk. In a matter of moments you can be headed in one direction and suddenly end up upside down.
     I've been exhausted for months and chalked it up to the major stresses that seem to come relentlessly; the loss of regular contact with my youngest son and my granddaughter, the death of one of my older brothers, the impending death my younger brother and the general stresses of working for a public entity. For the past few weeks I'd felt constantly queasy. I took the day off of work on Tuesday because I just wasn't feeling 'great'.
     I felt guilty because I questioned whether I was using it as an excuse to be lazy. I couldn't just lay down and rest, because I wasn't running a fever or throwing up or displaying any other obvious signs of illness. So I made myself get up and go to work on Wednesday. I told myself, I couldn't just stop my life and get off for awhile. When I got to work, I decided I was being silly. 'Just go to the doctor and get something to settle my stomach and get on with the business of living'. I got on the phone made an appointment for later that morning and patted myself on the back for being a 'big girl'.
     I discussed my symptoms with my doctor. She would draw some blood and run some test. Perhaps she would also take an x-ray of my abdomen and 'check my bowel, check my gallbladder, my pancreas, etc.' (ding-ding-ding). A little bell went off in my head. I needed to mention that pancreatic cancer is prevalent in my family. My father died of complications from the surgery for it, and my youngest brother is dealing with Pancreatic Cancer that has spread to his liver. That information changed her plans. She would still run the blood tests, but she would send me over to the hospital for a CT scan instead of the x-ray. The hospital would call her while I was still there to discuss the results of the scan. I wasn't overly concerned because she has been as proactive in previous appointments, in fact it was a bit of a relief. I didn't believe I had cancer, but after feeling icky for such a stretch, it would be nice to verify it's absence.
     After the CT Scan, she ordered an ultrasound. The hospital called her to discuss the results and she asked to speak to me. She told me they were admitting me to the hospital. What??!!?? I asked her when. She said as soon as they could clear the bed ......... I had a gallstone .......... the size of a golf ball (ironic since golf is my latest competition for Jim's time).
     The next morning (Thursday) the surgeon removed my gallbladder and later that night they sent me home.
     I'm sitting on my couch after this whirlwind, trying to wrap my thoughts around having surgery as the rest of the world goes on. It's only been two days since I thought I was going to the doctor to get something to settle my upset stomach and it feels like a lifetime ago. Wow!

An Angry Era

     The news is full of stories about young people railing against something; society, law enforcement, an education system, another group of young people, etc. I understand the need for people to push for change. When I was younger, I thought I should have a cause, some corner of my world that I could improve.
     I don't know if I did anything during my life that will leave a lasting impression with anyone. If I did, I'm certain it won't last longer than the lifetime of my grandchildren. One thing I do know is that I have never been that angry about anything. I've been dissatisfied and discontented and I've worked to make bad situations better.
     For a very long time I worried the world was getting darker. Then it occurred to me that perhaps the world isn't that much different than when I was younger. Technology has erupted into a multi-headed monster. Machines are electronic and far more complex, but opportunities and possibilities are still unlimited if you dare to dream and be creative.
      So, what makes those young people so angry? It seems to me, the biggest obstacle to someone's happiness is their inability to accept disappointment. When things don't go as planned, they don't know how to regroup and come up with a new plan because we as a society spent years telling them they controlled the world. We encouraged them to be the best and to have the best. We're forgetting to teach them true happiness will come from the connections you build with other people. The more of yourself that you give to others, the stronger and happier you will become.

Vulnerable but not conquered.

     Two-thirds of this year has passed and it still is not shaping up to be a better year than last. I really believed the turmoil and tragedies of 2010 would serve as a phase of emotional and psychological growth. I was sure I would find wisdom that I could draw from for future "phases" in years to come. I was really hoping it would just not be this year.
     In March I told you about the diagnosis of, and surgery for pancreatic cancer that my younger brother received. We, my family and I, rallied together to stand by my brother as he faced his surgery and recovery. With our older brother Steve at his side, he quietly went to his weekly chemo treatments until all appointments were complete.
     In early August he had a scan to check his progress (and I assumed to serve as his 'baseline' scan for future check-ups), and the news was not good. The cancer had spread to his liver and the only treatment is not curative.
     So we begin a new journey. The doctors want us to be prepared and I believe we agree, though we still hope for even small miracles. The next 'six months to a year' will again be a phase of growth emotionally. My brother is facing his own journey in as brave a manner as I have ever seen. His own concern is not for himself but for his daughter, my niece, that she continue on this amazing path she's begun toward becoming a youth minister. His biggest hope is for her dreams to come true.
     I couldn't, nor would I want to, imagine how this journey would look if I had to travel it alone with him. I don't think I am enough support. Coming from a large family (not "19 Kids and counting" large) I used to listen to people question having a large family in 'today's world'. Having also married into a large family, there were times I felt overwhelmed by the number of occasions on the calendar that deserved recognition. Finding a balance in our lives among the numbers has always been a challenge and I haven't been really good at making people feel as special as they are to me, but God knew we would need every single person in our lives. If you pray, please keep us all in your prayers, but especially my brother. His will be the journey of his life.
    

Difficult decisions

   We went across the state over the July 4th weekend to see our youngest son and his family. Our visit with our granddaughter was bittersweet and frustrating. She's a beautiful little girl with sad eyes that look deep into her almost two year old soul. Our son and his girlfriend are doing the best they know to raise her. Unfortunately, love isn't enough all by itself and they aren't equipped for and can't maintain the level of care she needs and deserves. Each time we go to see them, we try to fill in the gaps and each time the gaps seem bigger.
   We spent the majority of our weekend visit discussing recent events between them which created chaos and drama that spilled over into our lives (my husband's and mine). We set our limits for our involvement in their relationship and stressed the importance of considering their daughter's welfare first in every decision they make. We made an effort to fit in quality time with our granddaughter. Because of the distance between us, we only get to see her about every six months. Even so, each time we visit, she and I connect easily in a short amount of time. She cuddles and clings to me and it makes me feel protective.
   Monday morning we were scheduled to leave. When we arrived at their apartment, I found a situation I couldn't overlook or rationalize away. There were empty beer cans and bottles on the porch of the apartment. When our son's girlfriend opened the door to let us in, we found an open, nearly full can of beer on the floor of the living room in easy reach of an inquisitive toddler. My mind went immediately to the alcohol poisoning death of a 4 year old about which I had recently read.  I'd reached my limit. I told my son how I felt about his responsibilities as a parent. When I couldn't think of another thing to say, I left his apartment and sat in our car until my husband came out and joined me. As we talked about our role in this situation and what it should look like, I found myself dialing 911. We don't have the legal right to take our granddaughter and just leave, but there had to be some intervention that could take place. My son explained the beer was not theirs, 'they'd had a visitor that had stayed the night and left before we got there. The beer belonged to their visitor and they didn't know it was there'. A report was taken, and the officer said because my granddaughter hadn't awakened to find the beer, he would let 'Health and Human Services' decide if they would open a file on it.  It wasn't enough to remove her from the home.
     At times, the emotional and physical damage inflicted on my son by his biological family, feels like an obstacle to even the smallest amount of happiness for him. The unrelenting discontent he feels causes him to make rash decisions which sabotage his chance of establishing a life that permits even small successes. The dysfunction surrounding his girlfriend's childhood and even now, plays a big part in what they view as an acceptable way of life. I wish I could wave a wand and fix all their problems. It becomes more and more difficult to celebrate this little life that shows so much potential when there is a real chance she could become a casualty of their circumstances and there's little we can do to prevent it.
   I don't know if we should be resigned to sit and wait for the fall out of their choices or if we should be more aggressive in our attempts to improve her situation. Legally, we haven't many options, we are only her grandparents. We have few rights where she is concerned.  I hope when the time comes to step up (or step in) we will have the energy necessary to give our granddaughter what she'll need to get past her obstacles.

What to believe

     I believe God exists!........................ I don't expect to convert anyone with that statement because I don't believe my life's purpose is to Evangelize.  My purpose is to be the best, most genuine me.  I fail in some way on a daily basis, but I keep trying.

So, you ask, what is the cause/purpose of this post? 
     Menopause likely! I'm finding that I get irritated with extreme mindsets.  I'm referring to those of us that proclaim they believe in God and eagerly engage in bad behavior and vicious gossip. I'm also referring to those that proclaim they don't believe and slam religion at every opportunity.

I've heard viewpoints about the existence of God from:
     -People that go to church regularly, admit they attend only because it's expected and don't think about God for the rest of the week.
     -People that choose not to believe God exists and will tell you that religion is only 'brainwashing'.
     -People that insert the Bible into EVERY conversation about faith and can cite any and every appropriate verse for a given circumstance.
     -People that don't believe and just don't discuss it.
     -People that believe and just don't discuss it.

     While it's not an interest I actively pursue, the path that brings people to their current tenet is to me somewhat intriguing. I only ask that you don't tell me that believing what I've heard or read is less valid than your believing what you've heard or read.  I would rather listen to the reasons you don't believe (so I can get to know you), than listen to why you think I shouldn't believe.
     Please don't misunderstand me, I'm only saying that I think most people are intelligent enough to choose for themselves. The spiel about how the Church brainwashed me into believing in God, is not proof He doesn't exist, it's only proof you question my intelligence.

Want some cheese with that whine?

     The worst days for me, the ones that I loathe, are the days I feel whiny. On those days everything seems negative and more personal. I imagine vague comments others make to be insults or subtle 'jabs'. Normally, I'd assume they're having 'one of those days', realizing it has nothing to do with me. I notice everything that seems contrary and get irritated by it. I wouldn't go as far as to say I become paranoid, because I am able to bring myself back to a place of logic and remind myself that it's only momentary, tomorrow will be better. I understand that it's my attitude that makes it personal.
     I try not to interact with too many people on those days, because I don't like me as a whiny person and I want to keep that particular side of me to myself.  When I must interact with others, all my energy goes into being positive and caring. By the end of the day, I'm exhausted. Most of us have seen the commercial with the "Easy Button"?  Well, I want an "Off Switch" so, on those days I can turn the rest of the world off for an hour and mope.
   Thankfully they don't happen very often, but yesterday was one. By the end of the day all I wanted to do was go home and hibernate for the night. (This is where I get to say, "I love my house").  Later, Jim came in after a disappointing soccer game (not because they lost, but because of player attitude) and asked me if I wanted to go out and get a bite to eat.  I really didn't, so when I heard "sure" come out of my mouth I was startled.  I knew he wanted to refocus, relax and unwind, so I put on my shoes and we went.  As it happens, it was just what I needed.  We didn't have to say much about our day except it was not a great day. We were able to chit chat about mundane, day-to-day things and relax.
   I worry that my whiny days have become more frequent but since I AM at THAT age, I know it could be my transition into the next phase of my life. (note how pleasantly I described menopause.)  Anyway, if you find some time that I am less than enthusiastic, I apologize in advance. You can bet it's not about you.  It's more likely me doing the best I can not to whine. After all, I have absolutely nothing (worth the energy) about which to whine.

Floating on a sea of hope

   I came from a not-so-small family and there was always something happening. Then I married someone from a not-so-small family and I doubled my calendar.  When our kids were small it was okay because our focus was on their needs. No one expected more of us.  We were young with a ton of energy, mental and physical and we juggled it well.
   As we got older I began to look forward to watching our children raise their families. I even had mental images of sitting on the porch watching our son toss a ball with his son as the sun was setting in the backround. HA! First mistake I made was conjuring up an image of his son. We have three grandchildren and all are girls (very young girls - the oldest is three). Please don't misunderstand me, I am thrilled with my granddaughters and the oldest can throw a ball very well.  But the crux of the matter is, I made a mental image of our life and how it should look.
    You can guess if I got one of the details so wrong, I got most of the details wrong. We spend no time on the porch. The other thing I hadn't calculated was the aging process. I didn't make room for deaths, divorces, heartbreak and health issues. It's expected now....... there will be things popping up at any time. In some cases we will be handling two or three crises at a time.
    Take last fall, (this is where the punch line "PLEASE take last fall!!" fits so well), our rollercoaster ride started when my husband helped move our niece and nephew from their home (they were losing it to foreclosure) into an apartment on very short notice. A couple months after they moved into their apartment, their apartment building burned to the ground. They got out okay but they lost everything except their lives. The following week one of my older brothers was diagnosed with cancer. We spent the next couple of weeks attending fundraisers to help our niece and nephew and their small children get back on their feet and to help my brother and sister-in-law cover the mounting costs of medication not covered by insurance.  The month after his diagnosis my brother died of a heart attack. It seems we put on our blinders and trudged forward, one foot after the other. Through all that, I find each of us takes a different path for grieving and healing and at different paces.
     My husband and I take a lot for granted. What that tells me is we have so much for which to be thankful, we forget it's not that way for everyone.  I'll work at recognizing my blessings.  Fortunately, 2010 ended. We toasted it's departure and talked about how much better 2011 would be. Well, in the words of Gomer Pyle, "Surprise, surprise, surprise".  Yesterday, my younger brother found out he has a tumor on his pancreas. 2011 is revealing it's true colors early in the year. I'm thinking if we are to stay ahead of the current in my 'sea of hope', I may need to pull out the paddles and start rowing like crazy.