I knew this woman.......

     I'm not ashamed to admit that I am not the person you know. I haven't become me yet. What you see are fragments of the end result. I pretend a little every day. I guess you could call me a "phony". I won't even be offended. For me, the hardest part about life is failing to be the person I pretend to be. I must practice more everyday. 
     When I was young, my father told me with enough practice I can become good at anything I choose. So, ............... I choose to be better. I choose to be positive. I choose to be compassionate, I choose to be selfless. I choose to be forgiving and sensitive to others, I choose to be kind, open and accepting, I choose to be loving.
     It is my intention to be phony until I'm not. I am on the "fake-it-until-you-make-it" bandwagon.
     For years I worried people would find out I'm not as good as I try to be. I felt bad about being a fake until I realized, in my charade I commit acts of kindness and I act like a better person. What would life really be like if more people "acted" like better people. Would there be a bunch of phonies walking around committing acts of kindness?  I'd take that any day over a bunch of "real" people walking around criticizing others for being fake. I know plenty of "real" people who pretend they don't care what others think of them. So many people post that sentiment on Facebook every day. I believe the truth is, we all care what others think of us. I believe we should care. It's the only hope of becoming better. The benefit to pretending is if you accidentally let others get a peek of the "real" you, you can start right away pretending to be better again.
    

Trust yourself

   I love to read. I read something every day. Sometimes I read books, sometimes I read articles. I have certain authors and certain genres that I enjoy more than others but there is a variety of topics that interest me. I think it's important to 'broaden my horizons' about subjects of which I'm not terribly knowledgeable. Considering many perspectives helps me form opinions. However when it comes to opinions, I don't consider anyone else's opinion to be more relevant than my own or my opinion more relevant than another person's.
   My point to this cyclical logic is that if you only use another person's insight as the basis for your opinion, then perhaps you should put down your book or newspaper, or step away from your computer, get out in the world and experience more of life for awhile. It isn't until you see, hear, smell and feel for yourself that you get the truths life has to offer. Once you do that in a way that opens your eyes and your heart to the idea of endless possibility, you will trust yourself. If you trust yourself it becomes unnecessary to be right or to have the last word.

For my kids!

(I want to preface this post by saying these thoughts came to me as a result of someone else's situation and not from anything personally related to my family. I have to put this out there anyway!)
   My husband and I are so very proud of our boys and anyone that spends time around us, knows it full well. Some days we can't stop talking about something one of them (or our granddaughters) has done or said. I'm sure many people, including our sons, have at one time or another thought, "If you only knew....".  So let me set the record straight.
   We do not, nor will we ever, delude ourselves into thinking that we know everything our children have ever done.  Nor do we believe they would want us to know. I'm pretty sure they think there are choices they've made of which we would not approve.  We all get embarrassed by our mistakes and we all make choices that take us on a path different than our parents'.
   Even though I don't know all their choices (or activities), I can say that I wouldn't be paralyzed by anything I learned about decisions they've made. I know my children are human; driven by the same needs and wants the rest of us have. The need to be acknowledged and accepted by our peers is a great equalizer.
     So to our children and children-in-law I say, "Relax. Dad and I love and accept you unconditionally. We are proud of the kindness in your hearts and the generosity in your nature. We think you are perfectly imperfect. Keep doing your best and always give more than you take."  Mom

What to believe

     I believe God exists!........................ I don't expect to convert anyone with that statement because I don't believe my life's purpose is to Evangelize.  My purpose is to be the best, most genuine me.  I fail in some way on a daily basis, but I keep trying.

So, you ask, what is the cause/purpose of this post? 
     Menopause likely! I'm finding that I get irritated with extreme mindsets.  I'm referring to those of us that proclaim they believe in God and eagerly engage in bad behavior and vicious gossip. I'm also referring to those that proclaim they don't believe and slam religion at every opportunity.

I've heard viewpoints about the existence of God from:
     -People that go to church regularly, admit they attend only because it's expected and don't think about God for the rest of the week.
     -People that choose not to believe God exists and will tell you that religion is only 'brainwashing'.
     -People that insert the Bible into EVERY conversation about faith and can cite any and every appropriate verse for a given circumstance.
     -People that don't believe and just don't discuss it.
     -People that believe and just don't discuss it.

     While it's not an interest I actively pursue, the path that brings people to their current tenet is to me somewhat intriguing. I only ask that you don't tell me that believing what I've heard or read is less valid than your believing what you've heard or read.  I would rather listen to the reasons you don't believe (so I can get to know you), than listen to why you think I shouldn't believe.
     Please don't misunderstand me, I'm only saying that I think most people are intelligent enough to choose for themselves. The spiel about how the Church brainwashed me into believing in God, is not proof He doesn't exist, it's only proof you question my intelligence.

Anybody there?

     My coworkers and I received an email about a week ago from the district's main office. The email warned us that sometime in the near future there would be an article in our local newspaper which might include our personal information: name, job description, date of employment, salary, as well as our W-2 information, etc. By law the district is required to provide the information when requested as part of the "Freedom of Information Act".  You see, I am a "public employee" and the newspaper sent an official request for the information. 
     I have nothing to hide so why does it bother me that my name might be published?  I worked hard to create a reputation based on integrity, the quality of my work and my work ethic. During my last eight years in the public arena I've worked hard to maintain it. Everyday I answer calls from angry people that make assumptions based strictly on the public status of my position.  I have been able to maintain a professional demeanor in the words I choose and the tone I use as well as by how quickly I respond as I attempt to help every person I encounter whether by phone, email or in person.  I'm certain some calls are directed to me because I have been fairly successful at calming situations and I leave people knowing that I genuinely want to help them, whether or not I can deliver the result they desire. 
     Some callers don't ask for help, they just want to vent their anger.  They insist on remaining anonymous, begin the conversation with a raised voice and don't pause to breathe. I have been verbally assaulted, degraded and given directions for intimate acts that are physically impossible to follow, usually by people that have never met me nor heard more than an introduction from me, .........if they listened to it. I am regularly reminded by callers that 'they pay my salary' while my status as a taxpayer is irrelevant.
     A very large number of people that potentially may have access to my name, job description and earnings, don't care about my capabilities or my work ethic. It's been predetermined they don't exist. People aren't going to ask if I show up on time and work hard from the time I arrive until the time I leave. They aren't going to take the time to find out if I really care about my work or if I perform efficiently and effectively.  They assume I don't.
     In the newspaper article they won't include information about the quality or quantity of my work or the hours I donate every week. It isn't going to list the processes I've created that streamline production and save the taxpayers thousands of dollars every year. It won't detail the amount of work I process nor will it mention the additional sizable projects with quick deadlines our department tackles with strict instructions that we are not to take time away from our regular duties and the budget doesn't include overtime.
     I see the other side. I have been on the public side of the counter in many government/public offices. I have witnessed groups of people standing together, chatting, seeming to ignore John and Jane Q. Public while we wait patiently and sometimes not-so-patiently to be assisted.  As a member of the general public with an enlightened perspective, I understand those people are likely not the ones assigned to customer service or they may be enjoying an earned break in their duties, or they may not even be on the clock.  From my experience in customer service, I also understand perception.  If I were supervising them, I would insist they not stand and hold lengthy conversations (even about business) in view of an already anxious general public (even 'off the clock').  Misperception creates a suspicious public and damages good will.
    I appreciate my job, and I make sure I work at a level well above just earning my paycheck. The article won't reveal that or the many people with whom I work that feel as I do, and work diligently to do an exceptional job in spite of the challenges and negativity we face every day.