Stress is ageless

   Is there someone creating extra stress for you? Are they impatient or at least not very understanding? Does it seem they expect more from you than you have to give?  Perhaps you wish you could press a 'pause' button and deal with them when you're ready. It's not that you want them to disappear, but if they could just back off for a few minutes/days/weeks until you can catch your breath you would be so grateful!
   Each of us have people in our lives that demand a lot of time and attention. It's understandable when they're really little. We can even reasonably expect to give our teenagers some leeway to be selfish and demanding. They are on the cusp of becoming an adult, which can admittedly be one of the most exciting and yet scariest times of their life.
    Before you make a hasty judgement, ask yourself what you expect from THEM. Do they serve a need in your life? Are you allowing them in your life when you need them and then wanting them to stand by until you're ready for them again? What purpose are you serving in their life?  How are you serving them? 
   Once you reach the age of reason; once you can tell the difference between right and wrong, it's time to step up and pitch in, to give back. It's time to become a 'contributing member of society'. That doesn't just mean you get a job and pay taxes, etc. You may not even be old enough to get a job, but you are probably old enough to contribute to the efforts made on behalf of your family, your school, your church, your community, etc. in whatever way you are capable. There is no excuse to continue receiving benefit in any area of your life without also adding to the well being of those around you.
   So I would ask you again to consider what benefit YOU are adding to the person that is expecting too much from you? Even if the only contribution you have for them is simple communication, you owe them that much at least. You may find that is really all they need from you. A little respect and consideration goes so very far.
   If you are of the age of reason, step up and do your part to balance your existence. To the people that feed our life in any way, I firmly believe we owe effort.

Is it really funny?

     I was listening to the "Late Show" tonight and found myself chuckling at David Letterman wishing Dick "Boom Boom" Cheney a Happy Birthday. Most of the country, maybe even most of the world, knows of the hunting accident that involved Mr. Cheney shooting a hunting companion in the face. I think partly I laughed at the cleverness of this roasting under the pretense of good wishes and partly I laughed at the bold naughtiness of Mr. Letterman's comments. Then it occurred to me, as light-hearted as he wanted us to believe his comments were intended, he was still poking fun at what had to be a very traumatic event in Dick Cheney's life. Dick Cheney likely is expected to take it all as a good natured ribbing, yet it must dig deeper than we could ever imagine.
     I think it would be most difficult to force a smile, even superficially about a mistake I made that caused another person pain and suffering. Of all the pain I have experienced in my life, that which I have inflicted is more of a burden to me than that which has been inflicted upon me. So in retrospect I question why I would find myself giggling at the misfortune of another, especially of this magnitude.
     I don't find other people's suffering at all funny. In fact it causes me great distress. I can only surmise this type of humor must be a measure of self preservation, a way to keep oneself from being consumed by the pain of others.

My challenge for you today!

     Okay friends, I have a challenge for you, ........ a "dare". I dare you to do one thing each day for the next week that takes you out of your comfort zone and reconnects you with the person you want to be. I dare you to 'put yourself out there'. Say something or do something that positively affects another person, in spite of the weird looks and snide remarks you might receive.
     I'm not asking you to change the world, but if you do even one thing designed to make another person feel/be better and it takes a little courage on your part, it will have an impact on others, whether you see that impact or not.
     Here's an example of the type of thing I'm thinking about. Imagine you have a 'snob' in your office that clouds the office and makes everyone's job harder. Your coworkers avoid him/her because they don't want to be accused of being like them. You notice he/she has on a stunning new suit or they did some aspect of their job notably well. Stop them and sincerely compliment them as if you were already friends. It's a small risk, but it puts them in a positive personal light and removes some of the negative aura surrounding them. Immediately some portion of the tension in the office is gone. Everybody benefits. The same thing happens if you smile at people regularly. Eventually they realize it's sincere and they begin to smile back.
    I like to write comments on online news articles. We all have a tendency to pass judgement on people in the news with only the information in one article. We read a story, it offends our sensibilities and we lash out, mostly to prove to ourselves we couldn't be the person that makes a bad decision and ruins lives. 
   Strangely, even though we have the potential to be unreasonable, most of us are reasonable 95% of the time. It's the other 5% by which we will be judged.

Shall we stay or shall we go?

     It would be nice if every relationship were clear and tidy. If all the lines were sharp and there were no grey areas. The biggest difficulties lie in the overlaps. 
    Can you be excited and happy for someone you love, when someone else you love, feels offended by the one for whom you want to be excited and happy? If everyone involved is emotionally mature, it's possible. Emotional maturity seldom happens at the same rate for different people, ..... if it happens at all.
     It's a struggle for me to stay out of other people's relationships, especially if it appears their "bump" is clearly a misunderstanding and it feels like both parties want the friendship back. I am a "fixer".  I find solutions for problems. That's what I'm driven to do, but for the most part I manage to avoid offering to mediate.
     If a hiccup in the relationship of two people I love bleeds over into my life, I have less restraint.  I want the freedom to maintain/nurture my relationships separate from third party influences.  So if my friend expects me to prove my friendship by taking sides or ignoring mean-spirited behavior, I will speak up.  I believe that if you search your heart before you speak, say what you need to with all the love you feel, whatever the outcome may be, is what must be.
      I've learned to accept that not all relationships are meant to be true and strong, and it's okay to let some go.

For my kids!

(I want to preface this post by saying these thoughts came to me as a result of someone else's situation and not from anything personally related to my family. I have to put this out there anyway!)
   My husband and I are so very proud of our boys and anyone that spends time around us, knows it full well. Some days we can't stop talking about something one of them (or our granddaughters) has done or said. I'm sure many people, including our sons, have at one time or another thought, "If you only knew....".  So let me set the record straight.
   We do not, nor will we ever, delude ourselves into thinking that we know everything our children have ever done.  Nor do we believe they would want us to know. I'm pretty sure they think there are choices they've made of which we would not approve.  We all get embarrassed by our mistakes and we all make choices that take us on a path different than our parents'.
   Even though I don't know all their choices (or activities), I can say that I wouldn't be paralyzed by anything I learned about decisions they've made. I know my children are human; driven by the same needs and wants the rest of us have. The need to be acknowledged and accepted by our peers is a great equalizer.
     So to our children and children-in-law I say, "Relax. Dad and I love and accept you unconditionally. We are proud of the kindness in your hearts and the generosity in your nature. We think you are perfectly imperfect. Keep doing your best and always give more than you take."  Mom

Difficult decisions

   We went across the state over the July 4th weekend to see our youngest son and his family. Our visit with our granddaughter was bittersweet and frustrating. She's a beautiful little girl with sad eyes that look deep into her almost two year old soul. Our son and his girlfriend are doing the best they know to raise her. Unfortunately, love isn't enough all by itself and they aren't equipped for and can't maintain the level of care she needs and deserves. Each time we go to see them, we try to fill in the gaps and each time the gaps seem bigger.
   We spent the majority of our weekend visit discussing recent events between them which created chaos and drama that spilled over into our lives (my husband's and mine). We set our limits for our involvement in their relationship and stressed the importance of considering their daughter's welfare first in every decision they make. We made an effort to fit in quality time with our granddaughter. Because of the distance between us, we only get to see her about every six months. Even so, each time we visit, she and I connect easily in a short amount of time. She cuddles and clings to me and it makes me feel protective.
   Monday morning we were scheduled to leave. When we arrived at their apartment, I found a situation I couldn't overlook or rationalize away. There were empty beer cans and bottles on the porch of the apartment. When our son's girlfriend opened the door to let us in, we found an open, nearly full can of beer on the floor of the living room in easy reach of an inquisitive toddler. My mind went immediately to the alcohol poisoning death of a 4 year old about which I had recently read.  I'd reached my limit. I told my son how I felt about his responsibilities as a parent. When I couldn't think of another thing to say, I left his apartment and sat in our car until my husband came out and joined me. As we talked about our role in this situation and what it should look like, I found myself dialing 911. We don't have the legal right to take our granddaughter and just leave, but there had to be some intervention that could take place. My son explained the beer was not theirs, 'they'd had a visitor that had stayed the night and left before we got there. The beer belonged to their visitor and they didn't know it was there'. A report was taken, and the officer said because my granddaughter hadn't awakened to find the beer, he would let 'Health and Human Services' decide if they would open a file on it.  It wasn't enough to remove her from the home.
     At times, the emotional and physical damage inflicted on my son by his biological family, feels like an obstacle to even the smallest amount of happiness for him. The unrelenting discontent he feels causes him to make rash decisions which sabotage his chance of establishing a life that permits even small successes. The dysfunction surrounding his girlfriend's childhood and even now, plays a big part in what they view as an acceptable way of life. I wish I could wave a wand and fix all their problems. It becomes more and more difficult to celebrate this little life that shows so much potential when there is a real chance she could become a casualty of their circumstances and there's little we can do to prevent it.
   I don't know if we should be resigned to sit and wait for the fall out of their choices or if we should be more aggressive in our attempts to improve her situation. Legally, we haven't many options, we are only her grandparents. We have few rights where she is concerned.  I hope when the time comes to step up (or step in) we will have the energy necessary to give our granddaughter what she'll need to get past her obstacles.

Integrity is neither private nor public.

     When did we get into the habit of ignoring the blatant indiscretions of our public figures? Many of my peers pass it off as normal, saying we only hear about the ones that get caught, implying or even saying up front that all public leaders behave badly as if that makes it okay. Too often we excuse bad sexual behavior because some believe men can't control their physical urges.
     New York Congressman Anthony Weiner admitted today that he lied to the nation a week ago when he denied sending an explicit photo to a woman who is not his wife. He made up a story saying he was the victim of someone that had 'hacked' his computer and sent it in his name. After he took 'full responsibility' for taking the pictures and sending them, he went on to say that he would not resign because he doesn't think he "did anything that violated any law or rule of the house" or anything to compromise his 'oath of office to uphold the Constitution'.  Excuse me?  How does an outright lie to the public not become glaring evidence that he has compromised his ability to even make/keep an oath ? 
     Why would we accept that one can behave one way in private and another in public?  It is unacceptable to me that we don't set a standard for our 'public servants' private behavior at the same level we expect of their public behavior. I don't believe anyone is perfect nor do I expect it, but the level of a person's deceptive behavior in private should give us a glimpse at the potential of deception in public.
    I have a favorite quote that sums up my feelings about the people that I want to serve my community.
'The true character of a man is determined by what he would do if he knew no one would find out.' -Unknown

Will my ", but....."s be what people remember most?

   When you read a story of someone famous and/or accomplished at the time of their death, likely somewhere in the middle there is a comma followed by 'but........'.  The story then proceeds to detail the things that aren't as positive.  It may not follow that exact format, but you'll know to what I'm referring when you read one.
   I noticed it again yesterday while reading about Geraldine Ferraro's death.  Some of the events pointed out by the article's author weren't even her ", but........"s.  Her husband was charged with fraud.  Her son was charged with selling cocaine.  Were those events worth mentioning with her highlights?  I know she had her own missteps for which to answer.  Why are they important?  Is it because we don't want any one person to seem too accomplished or too special.
   It made me wonder, what will my ", but........" be?  I'm neither famous nor accomplished so perhaps it doesn't matter.  Then again, will the people with whom I spent my time remember me by the moments that were not so stellar?  (To my immediate family I plead, just smile quietly when recalling the Ice Cream incident!) Will it make a difference that I've tried to always do the right thing?  I'm not always successful and I've embarrassed myself on more than one occasion. 
   The best part/worst part is, I think I still have time to get it right, both the 'doing the right thing' and the 'screwing it up royally'.
   There is a poem that fits this thought and I absolutely love it.  It focuses on what we do and who we are, rather than what we have and who we know.
{ I don't think I'm breaking any copyright laws by reprinting it here since I've cited the author!   : ) }

HOW DO YOU LIVE YOUR DASH?
by Linda Ellis

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend.
He told of the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning to the end.

He noted that first came her date of birth
And spoke the following date with tears.
But said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved her
Know what that small line is worth.

It matters not how much we own,
The cars, the house, the cash.
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard.
Are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know what time is left,
That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what's true and real,
And always try to understand
The way that people feel.

And be less quick to anger,
And show appreciation more,
And love the people in our lives
Like we've never loved before.

We could treat each other with respect,
And more often wear a smile,
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.

So when your eulogy's being read
With your life's actions to rehash
Will you be proud of the things they said
About how you spent your dash.