Round 5

I decided to write again since it's "been a moment", and logged on to my old blog. I found this post from a few months ago and realized I have to share this before my new thinking will make sense, so here it is. This is from May of this year.
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   It's been a long time since I've posted here, but my life took off in crazy directions. It seemed out of control for awhile and it was taking me along. I was afraid I would end up crazy and out of control too, so I made changes. I made some BIG changes.
   There are always details in life that others control but affect us personally. Usually, I "roll with it" and adjust, but in this case, my job had taken so many turns in the last few years with a substantial staff turn-over, even the change was changing. The new leadership was going in a direction that was completely contrary to my philosophy of human interaction. The environment was filled with mistrust, cynicism, and competition and I could no longer function professionally. I decided to remove myself before it completely consumed me. Looking back, I probably tried to "roll with it" longer than I should have. It was unhealthy for me, but it's difficult to see clearly within the throes.
   It's been a journey of self discovery to say the least. I expected to feel peace as soon as I was no longer in the midst of the chaos. It didn't happen. I wondered if I was too hasty, but when I tried to imagine myself working there again, I had an anxiety attack. I had absolutely made the right choice. Perhaps I needed to add something that "fed" me, so I picked up crocheting. I had learned to crochet as a young girl, but hadn't picked up a hook in decades. It was cathartic to say the least. I've seen a shirt recently that says, "I crochet to keep from punching people in the throat".  That message is a bit extreme for me to wear, but I did giggle and I thought, "I really do understand". I have become uber-protective of my health, my time, my energy, and my sanity. I guess you could say I'm reclaiming some space to call mine.
   The crochet project I'm working on just seems to fit because each individual stitch is helping to create something pretty amazing. There are 8 rounds to each smaller part needed to create the whole. Each piece completely changes shape between round 4 and round 5.


ROUND 4

ROUND 5



In round 4 the piece is drawn up and tight, and in round 5 the piece is pulled flat and laid open. Since I like to use analogies to define concepts that are personal, I like to think of my life as being in the middle of "round 5". Looking forward to pieces that await.

How do we live in the change

   Every event in our life creates a period of transition. For many events it can be a matter of minutes, others may require years. And then there are some that seem to throw our lives into perpetual transition.
  Yesterday, some of my family and I stopped by the funeral home to begin the preliminary arrangements for my brother's services. Most had been prearranged, thanks to my older brothers, who had the foresight years ago to sit down with him and work them out. As the director verified information necessary to begin the home's duties, the questions caused my mind to spin. My thoughts were in present terms AND past terms and some answers came in both, at the same time.
   I don't yet know what my brother's death will do to our lives. We are still adjusting to my other brother's death two years ago. How do you go from having six siblings to having five then four?  Well technically, you don't. My brothers are still my brothers. They just don't walk in this life any longer. There is some comfort in that, but it doesn't help the awkward moments when someone innocently asks, 'Do you come from a large family?' I used to enjoy that question.  Now it causes me to pause, sputter and stammer. I know the next question is usually "do they all live here?" How do I truthfully answer that question without making the inquirer feel bad?, without making me feel bad? My mother knew this would be my burden. Many times she told me I shouldn't wear my heart on my sleeve. That when I expose my feelings so easily I give away the power in my relationships. (Pretty ironic for someone with control issues, right?)
   This transition, this new status is what my family and I face for the rest of our lives, it isn't a choice. Thankfully, I know we will get through it and it will bring us closer. For this 'family strength', I thank my parents. For their love and unwavering support, I thank my brothers and sisters and their spouses-my other brothers and sisters. I love you all so very much, you give me continued hope and courage.

Our Journey Continues

   A year and a half ago, when I started this blog, I could have predicted this entry would be written, at least at some point. It seems it was inevitable.
   This morning shortly before breakfast time, my little brother took his last breath. We, his daughter, my brothers and sisters and I, were all caught off-guard.  The subtle signs were there. He had been getting progressively weaker, more tired and certainly less stable on his feet. But........., there were appointments on his calendar that needed to be kept. There were events he(we) still had planned to attend.
   Of course, none of those things matter now. Really the only thing that matters is that his struggle and pain are over. I wish I could say that makes this easier, but it doesn't.  I wish I could say the length of this journey has given us time to reconcile with his death, but it hasn't. As much time as we've had to talk about it, to rationalize, to plan, to offer each other our support, it's still never enough time to prevent the wound to our hearts. I can't predict how long it will take..... a lifetime I imagine. 
   And this part of the journey goes on for those of us left.  My brothers and sisters and I, along with our extended family, our children and their children will continue to hold each other up and urge each other forward until the next journey begins.
  

The slower days of youth

     Remember as a kid, wishing you were all grown up so you didn't have to be told what to do? I wished away curfew. I wished away high school. I wished away dating and courtship. Since I started making my own decisions time has flown. I have some distinct memories of wondering what some point in the future would be like. All those future points are in the distant past. Like looking at my oldest son crawling around on the floor as a baby in the living room of our first house, wondering what he would look like when he was nine. "Nine" was nineteen years and three grandchildren ago. Two of those grandchildren are his children.
     Yesterday I built a snowman with my neighbor and played in the snow with her dog, "Jack". Today my body is reminding me I built a snowman and played in the snow with my neighbor's dog "Jack". But the amazing thing is, for the first time in a very very long time, at the end of the day I felt like I'd had more than a day's worth of activity (fun and tasking). I had to remind myself that I had one more day in the weekend. I think the key is to fill several parts of the day doing something you really enjoy. After building snowman, I came inside and made chili and put it in the crock pot to simmer all day. I had some quiet time to myself to read and watch an old western on TV. Then in the afternoon, we got to spend a few hours with our oldest and youngest granddaughters, playing, laughing and reading books. Later in the evening my husband and I enjoyed the chili and some quiet time together. The day was exactly how I'd always imagined this time of my life to be, pretty uneventful but an average amount of fun. I'll have more of those days,.......... please.

Faces of Love

   I'm spending the day with my youngest granddaughter today and I'm very excited. Grandchildren fill your heart like no one else can. I know they love me because they are very demonstrative. When I arrive at their house, they run into my arms for a hug. They get sad when I leave and excited if I take them with me. All I have to do is hold my arms out and they snuggle in for a good cuddle. All of these actions warm me just in the thought of them.
   What fills my heart even more is knowing that with all of that, they love their parents more. Even though they reach for me and cry as I prepare to leave their house as if I must take them with me, given the choice of participating in the same field trip type activity with their parents or their grandparents, they will choose their parents.
   Occasionally, I envy the closeness some of my friends share with their other friends. I don't feel that way with my grandchildren. It's likely I will leave this world before their parents. My grandchildren need to feel secure in the face of uncertainty and their parents provide that for them. In the meantime, I honor their parents by making sure my grandchildren understand that I know mom and dad are the ultimate bosses where my grandchildren are concerned. It really puts me at ease to just enjoy my time with them and shower them with all the love I feel. It's a win-win for all of us.

You'll never know whose life you'll touch.

   I was reading the Omaha World Herald this morning and ran across an Obituary for William A. "Big Daddy" Sailes and started to cry a little. I'd never actually met "Big Daddy" Sailes but he was a very big part of my early years. I didn't remember that he had worked with my dad, but I knew he was a band leader.
   My parents were big into ballroom dancing when I was little. They used to spend many nights practicing in the livingroom of our home.  My father spoke very highly of Mr. Sailes and both my parents talked about how much they loved to go where his band was playing so they could dance to his music.
     For years after my parents' deaths, I wondered about him. I tried unsuccessfully to do some online searches to see if there was anything in print about him, but I didn't have the spelling of his name and it certainly didn't match the several variations I guessed from the pronunciation.
     Mr. Sailes was 94 years old. He lived a long life and I'm sure he touched a great many others. Even though I didn't know him personally, his life was personal to me and I will miss him. God willing, my parents will be enjoying an eternity of great music and great dancing. Rest in Peace "Big Daddy" and God bless you -Life well lived and Job well done!

.......... and it comes back to Simplicity

"If you do something and it turns out pretty good, you should go ahead and do something else wonderful..."
  
   Those were the words of Steve Jobs, a simple man with a complex mind. In all the news stories about his death recently, I am struck by the joy he expressed in every interview and press release about all the new gadgets on which he and his company worked. His philosophy was basically, do something about which you are passionate. His inventions were created not to please anybody else or fill anyone else's needs. He and his coworkers created tools with features they wanted, that excited them and it was infectious. We got excited with them.
    I've noticed that when I get excited to spend time with my granddaughters, they get excited to spend time with me.  We don't plan a lot of action packed activities, but we seem to have the best time playing,...... everyday games, reading books, going for walks, even watching the video of my 4 year old granddaughter's dance recital (we each choose to dance along with certain parts of our favorite groups).
    The point is, it's when we are fully engaged in an activity by choice, we get the most reward. I have always enjoyed the simple activities and even more so now that the rest of life has become so complex. I don't want more in my life, I want to enjoy more of what's already there. You have to decide if you want more or do you already have it all!

Vulnerable but not conquered.

     Two-thirds of this year has passed and it still is not shaping up to be a better year than last. I really believed the turmoil and tragedies of 2010 would serve as a phase of emotional and psychological growth. I was sure I would find wisdom that I could draw from for future "phases" in years to come. I was really hoping it would just not be this year.
     In March I told you about the diagnosis of, and surgery for pancreatic cancer that my younger brother received. We, my family and I, rallied together to stand by my brother as he faced his surgery and recovery. With our older brother Steve at his side, he quietly went to his weekly chemo treatments until all appointments were complete.
     In early August he had a scan to check his progress (and I assumed to serve as his 'baseline' scan for future check-ups), and the news was not good. The cancer had spread to his liver and the only treatment is not curative.
     So we begin a new journey. The doctors want us to be prepared and I believe we agree, though we still hope for even small miracles. The next 'six months to a year' will again be a phase of growth emotionally. My brother is facing his own journey in as brave a manner as I have ever seen. His own concern is not for himself but for his daughter, my niece, that she continue on this amazing path she's begun toward becoming a youth minister. His biggest hope is for her dreams to come true.
     I couldn't, nor would I want to, imagine how this journey would look if I had to travel it alone with him. I don't think I am enough support. Coming from a large family (not "19 Kids and counting" large) I used to listen to people question having a large family in 'today's world'. Having also married into a large family, there were times I felt overwhelmed by the number of occasions on the calendar that deserved recognition. Finding a balance in our lives among the numbers has always been a challenge and I haven't been really good at making people feel as special as they are to me, but God knew we would need every single person in our lives. If you pray, please keep us all in your prayers, but especially my brother. His will be the journey of his life.
    

For my kids!

(I want to preface this post by saying these thoughts came to me as a result of someone else's situation and not from anything personally related to my family. I have to put this out there anyway!)
   My husband and I are so very proud of our boys and anyone that spends time around us, knows it full well. Some days we can't stop talking about something one of them (or our granddaughters) has done or said. I'm sure many people, including our sons, have at one time or another thought, "If you only knew....".  So let me set the record straight.
   We do not, nor will we ever, delude ourselves into thinking that we know everything our children have ever done.  Nor do we believe they would want us to know. I'm pretty sure they think there are choices they've made of which we would not approve.  We all get embarrassed by our mistakes and we all make choices that take us on a path different than our parents'.
   Even though I don't know all their choices (or activities), I can say that I wouldn't be paralyzed by anything I learned about decisions they've made. I know my children are human; driven by the same needs and wants the rest of us have. The need to be acknowledged and accepted by our peers is a great equalizer.
     So to our children and children-in-law I say, "Relax. Dad and I love and accept you unconditionally. We are proud of the kindness in your hearts and the generosity in your nature. We think you are perfectly imperfect. Keep doing your best and always give more than you take."  Mom

Difficult decisions

   We went across the state over the July 4th weekend to see our youngest son and his family. Our visit with our granddaughter was bittersweet and frustrating. She's a beautiful little girl with sad eyes that look deep into her almost two year old soul. Our son and his girlfriend are doing the best they know to raise her. Unfortunately, love isn't enough all by itself and they aren't equipped for and can't maintain the level of care she needs and deserves. Each time we go to see them, we try to fill in the gaps and each time the gaps seem bigger.
   We spent the majority of our weekend visit discussing recent events between them which created chaos and drama that spilled over into our lives (my husband's and mine). We set our limits for our involvement in their relationship and stressed the importance of considering their daughter's welfare first in every decision they make. We made an effort to fit in quality time with our granddaughter. Because of the distance between us, we only get to see her about every six months. Even so, each time we visit, she and I connect easily in a short amount of time. She cuddles and clings to me and it makes me feel protective.
   Monday morning we were scheduled to leave. When we arrived at their apartment, I found a situation I couldn't overlook or rationalize away. There were empty beer cans and bottles on the porch of the apartment. When our son's girlfriend opened the door to let us in, we found an open, nearly full can of beer on the floor of the living room in easy reach of an inquisitive toddler. My mind went immediately to the alcohol poisoning death of a 4 year old about which I had recently read.  I'd reached my limit. I told my son how I felt about his responsibilities as a parent. When I couldn't think of another thing to say, I left his apartment and sat in our car until my husband came out and joined me. As we talked about our role in this situation and what it should look like, I found myself dialing 911. We don't have the legal right to take our granddaughter and just leave, but there had to be some intervention that could take place. My son explained the beer was not theirs, 'they'd had a visitor that had stayed the night and left before we got there. The beer belonged to their visitor and they didn't know it was there'. A report was taken, and the officer said because my granddaughter hadn't awakened to find the beer, he would let 'Health and Human Services' decide if they would open a file on it.  It wasn't enough to remove her from the home.
     At times, the emotional and physical damage inflicted on my son by his biological family, feels like an obstacle to even the smallest amount of happiness for him. The unrelenting discontent he feels causes him to make rash decisions which sabotage his chance of establishing a life that permits even small successes. The dysfunction surrounding his girlfriend's childhood and even now, plays a big part in what they view as an acceptable way of life. I wish I could wave a wand and fix all their problems. It becomes more and more difficult to celebrate this little life that shows so much potential when there is a real chance she could become a casualty of their circumstances and there's little we can do to prevent it.
   I don't know if we should be resigned to sit and wait for the fall out of their choices or if we should be more aggressive in our attempts to improve her situation. Legally, we haven't many options, we are only her grandparents. We have few rights where she is concerned.  I hope when the time comes to step up (or step in) we will have the energy necessary to give our granddaughter what she'll need to get past her obstacles.

On being a parent

     It's been a tough week. I'm waiting for some piece of information that tells us our son and his family are getting back in a manageable routine after last week's activities. I've drawn a line, that should limit the potential of his chaos to take over our lives again, but it's still difficult to switch our focus back to the requirements of our own life when we know they're struggling and don't know if they're making headway. I keep telling myself we've done all we can at this point and we just have to wait for the next opportunity, but in steps that darn irreversible knowledge to make it near impossible to 'do normal'.
      I shouldn't be surprised. I don't know anyone that can prepare themselves physically and emotionally to make that much of a commitment and then immediately return to the normalcy of the 'old life' without a period of readjustment.
    Being a parent is the most rewarding and important job we have ever undertaken, but there are moments when I wonder what it would be like to think of no one other than us, my husband and me as a couple, for a while. It doesn't happen often and it's only after unusually high-stress situations.  The types of situations that have the potential to alter the course of our lives. I'm sure it's common, though I feel tired and I worry that when it's really needed I might not be willing (or able) to make the commitment. Now I'm praying for strength and an attitude adjustment.

Praying for Lilianna and some answers

     I hope we don't take the time we spend with our granddaughters, Abi and Josie, for granted.  We see them at least once a week and we love it. Now, we're getting another chance to spend some extended time with our granddaughter, Lilianna. She's 17 months old. We are excited and guarded at the same time. Her parents tell us she is a 'wild child' and that she hits and bites as if that will scare us out of taking care of her. It only serves to set our resolve that she must spend more time with us.
    What does scare me is that it won't be enough time to set a permanent mark on her life. They live so far away from us that we only get to see her about once every six months. I worry that she won't get enough of the routine teaching and reinforcement necessary to blossom into the beautiful happy young girl I saw emerging the last time she spent a couple weeks with us. Her mom and dad are struggling to find the life they want and we see that struggle taking it's toll. I'm scared for Lilianna.
     People used to tell us that you shouldn't have children until you can afford it.  I don't think that's it. It isn't about the money, it's about balance. You have to be able to prioritize. Once you have children, the rest of life's choices, no matter how mundane, should be decided by asking, 'how does it affect our child(ren)? Is this the best choice for us as a family?' It's the only way to respect, preserve and protect the delicate balance of family.
     Lilianna's parents are doing the best they can to give her what she needs but even they will tell you they don't understand what it is. I know it's selfish and would create it's own set of challenges, but on some level I keep hoping they recognize it's more work than they can manage and will ask us to take care of her. In the meantime, I'll keep that door open, continue to provide as much moral support as they'll accept, and keep praying.

Our Journey

   Ever had one of those really long days that should make you grumble but you can't bring yourself to it? My brother had surgery today for pancreatic cancer!  I went to work really early for awhile then straight to the hospital to begin the journey of his healing. The journey of his healing.........my mind won't let me frame it any other way. Sixteen hours later I pulled into my driveway, exhausted and drained.  We spent most of those 16 hours waiting on others for news or direction. Nothing was in my control except the way I responded to the circumstances. I chose to look at the good.
   My family has been on these journeys so many times, some happy, some heartbreaking. We make them together. We gather in hospital waiting rooms and we laugh, we cry, we encourage, and we cajole. Today we picked on the oldest of the boys. His daughter pointed out that he needs a colonoscopy and we took it from there. We badgered him unmercifully right up to the point of scheduling it for him. All the while, the youngest of the boys was unconciously trusting his life to a man with a knife and God with a plan.
   The chaos of our circumstances is dimmed by the laughter, predictability and familiarity of family. I am amazed by how much love I feel from them and how much we enjoy each other's company. Our personalities and characteristics are so different but our connection is strong and deep. We have our parents to thank for that.  Today was a good day because my brother went through the procedures exactly as we had hoped and the news was the best we could expect.  The remainder of this journey, my brother's healing, will be what it is.  Whatever it is and whatever the next one, we will make then together.