Round 5

I decided to write again since it's "been a moment", and logged on to my old blog. I found this post from a few months ago and realized I have to share this before my new thinking will make sense, so here it is. This is from May of this year.
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   It's been a long time since I've posted here, but my life took off in crazy directions. It seemed out of control for awhile and it was taking me along. I was afraid I would end up crazy and out of control too, so I made changes. I made some BIG changes.
   There are always details in life that others control but affect us personally. Usually, I "roll with it" and adjust, but in this case, my job had taken so many turns in the last few years with a substantial staff turn-over, even the change was changing. The new leadership was going in a direction that was completely contrary to my philosophy of human interaction. The environment was filled with mistrust, cynicism, and competition and I could no longer function professionally. I decided to remove myself before it completely consumed me. Looking back, I probably tried to "roll with it" longer than I should have. It was unhealthy for me, but it's difficult to see clearly within the throes.
   It's been a journey of self discovery to say the least. I expected to feel peace as soon as I was no longer in the midst of the chaos. It didn't happen. I wondered if I was too hasty, but when I tried to imagine myself working there again, I had an anxiety attack. I had absolutely made the right choice. Perhaps I needed to add something that "fed" me, so I picked up crocheting. I had learned to crochet as a young girl, but hadn't picked up a hook in decades. It was cathartic to say the least. I've seen a shirt recently that says, "I crochet to keep from punching people in the throat".  That message is a bit extreme for me to wear, but I did giggle and I thought, "I really do understand". I have become uber-protective of my health, my time, my energy, and my sanity. I guess you could say I'm reclaiming some space to call mine.
   The crochet project I'm working on just seems to fit because each individual stitch is helping to create something pretty amazing. There are 8 rounds to each smaller part needed to create the whole. Each piece completely changes shape between round 4 and round 5.


ROUND 4

ROUND 5



In round 4 the piece is drawn up and tight, and in round 5 the piece is pulled flat and laid open. Since I like to use analogies to define concepts that are personal, I like to think of my life as being in the middle of "round 5". Looking forward to pieces that await.

Life's hidden surprises.

     An amazing and overwhelming thing happened. Some friends and I were posting and commenting on pictures on Facebook from our years in high school. We laughed and talked lightheartedly about the years that passed and reminisced about 'back when'. It was fun and heart warming, and left me wishing to go back for a moment and enjoy some of those events with my current wisdom. More pictures were posted and there it was, .............................. THE PICTURE. My husband as I first knew him. It was taken 36 years ago on the same day my husband asked me out for the first time.
     We met in high school, technically during our freshman year, but we didn't really speak to each other until our senior year. He was the class 'jock' and I was the class 'nerd'. He participated in every sport that he could feasibly, while I was extremely serious about my responsibilities in life. We were an unlikely pair.
     As I looked at that picture, I remembered how strong my feelings were as a young girl. Sitting next to him as we looked at that photo, I told my husband he was so handsome in those days (not my most thoughtful moment). He feigned wounded feelings and wondered aloud why I used the word "was".
     What I couldn't articulate to him was the disconnection I felt from my feelings during that phase in our lives. Admittedly, we have aged. Nature has taken it's course and we did not escape her path.  The young man in that picture is definitely not the same man that sat on the couch next to me. He's lost much of his hair and his chiseled jaw has rounded a bit. Perhaps that sounds like a bad thing, but I don't feel that way.
     I look at my husband now and I see the hills and valleys of our life etched across his face. The laugh lines next to his eyes are amazing. When he's happy, his whole face smiles. The steel blue of his eyes have softened all the pain I ever experienced. The strength in his hands remind me of the many times he held me up when I didn't think I could face another tough loss/change/day. The sparkle in his eye when he does something childlike and mischievous makes me laugh even when I want to be mad at him.
     There is so much more depth to the man I see when I look at him now. That makes him so much more handsome and desirable than that young man from our high school days.  While I sometimes wish we had the strength and stamina from those days, I wouldn't go back now to the people we were then. I look at my husband and I still see the young man in that picture, but when I look at that picture, I see only a hint of the man I love right now.

 

I knew this woman.......

     I'm not ashamed to admit that I am not the person you know. I haven't become me yet. What you see are fragments of the end result. I pretend a little every day. I guess you could call me a "phony". I won't even be offended. For me, the hardest part about life is failing to be the person I pretend to be. I must practice more everyday. 
     When I was young, my father told me with enough practice I can become good at anything I choose. So, ............... I choose to be better. I choose to be positive. I choose to be compassionate, I choose to be selfless. I choose to be forgiving and sensitive to others, I choose to be kind, open and accepting, I choose to be loving.
     It is my intention to be phony until I'm not. I am on the "fake-it-until-you-make-it" bandwagon.
     For years I worried people would find out I'm not as good as I try to be. I felt bad about being a fake until I realized, in my charade I commit acts of kindness and I act like a better person. What would life really be like if more people "acted" like better people. Would there be a bunch of phonies walking around committing acts of kindness?  I'd take that any day over a bunch of "real" people walking around criticizing others for being fake. I know plenty of "real" people who pretend they don't care what others think of them. So many people post that sentiment on Facebook every day. I believe the truth is, we all care what others think of us. I believe we should care. It's the only hope of becoming better. The benefit to pretending is if you accidentally let others get a peek of the "real" you, you can start right away pretending to be better again.
    

How do we live in the change

   Every event in our life creates a period of transition. For many events it can be a matter of minutes, others may require years. And then there are some that seem to throw our lives into perpetual transition.
  Yesterday, some of my family and I stopped by the funeral home to begin the preliminary arrangements for my brother's services. Most had been prearranged, thanks to my older brothers, who had the foresight years ago to sit down with him and work them out. As the director verified information necessary to begin the home's duties, the questions caused my mind to spin. My thoughts were in present terms AND past terms and some answers came in both, at the same time.
   I don't yet know what my brother's death will do to our lives. We are still adjusting to my other brother's death two years ago. How do you go from having six siblings to having five then four?  Well technically, you don't. My brothers are still my brothers. They just don't walk in this life any longer. There is some comfort in that, but it doesn't help the awkward moments when someone innocently asks, 'Do you come from a large family?' I used to enjoy that question.  Now it causes me to pause, sputter and stammer. I know the next question is usually "do they all live here?" How do I truthfully answer that question without making the inquirer feel bad?, without making me feel bad? My mother knew this would be my burden. Many times she told me I shouldn't wear my heart on my sleeve. That when I expose my feelings so easily I give away the power in my relationships. (Pretty ironic for someone with control issues, right?)
   This transition, this new status is what my family and I face for the rest of our lives, it isn't a choice. Thankfully, I know we will get through it and it will bring us closer. For this 'family strength', I thank my parents. For their love and unwavering support, I thank my brothers and sisters and their spouses-my other brothers and sisters. I love you all so very much, you give me continued hope and courage.

Our Journey Continues

   A year and a half ago, when I started this blog, I could have predicted this entry would be written, at least at some point. It seems it was inevitable.
   This morning shortly before breakfast time, my little brother took his last breath. We, his daughter, my brothers and sisters and I, were all caught off-guard.  The subtle signs were there. He had been getting progressively weaker, more tired and certainly less stable on his feet. But........., there were appointments on his calendar that needed to be kept. There were events he(we) still had planned to attend.
   Of course, none of those things matter now. Really the only thing that matters is that his struggle and pain are over. I wish I could say that makes this easier, but it doesn't.  I wish I could say the length of this journey has given us time to reconcile with his death, but it hasn't. As much time as we've had to talk about it, to rationalize, to plan, to offer each other our support, it's still never enough time to prevent the wound to our hearts. I can't predict how long it will take..... a lifetime I imagine. 
   And this part of the journey goes on for those of us left.  My brothers and sisters and I, along with our extended family, our children and their children will continue to hold each other up and urge each other forward until the next journey begins.
  

New Year

    Just celebrated another birthday after the start of the New Year. It was difficult as a young child with a birthday right after Christmas and New Year's celebrations because most everyone is ready to get back into a slower pace and a little quiet. My birthday was pretty understated. As a child it was rather disappointing. As an adult I think I prefer understated. It goes along with my desire to be average. Sounds strange doesn't it!? It's the result of having an other than average life so far (as I see it).
    Because of the chronology of events I'm guessing, the turn of the New Year followed almost immediately by marking another year of my life feels like a chance to start fresh. All cliches aside, I like the hope of something better. It's a chance to succeed at becoming a better, more organized, happier, and healthier me. My focus is always on the little things; making my checkbook a better record of our finances so we can budget at a glance if needed; stocking the cupboards with healthier foods that all of us can incorporate into our daily diets without feeling deprived; encouraging my family to start fresh and get excited about their own plans and goals.
   One thing at which I've not been good, that I want to focus on this year, is begin to do more of the 'just for me' things that I've delayed so I could take care of my family's needs. But they're all grown and now pretty much on their own, or will be shortly. 
   The types of things I'd do have changed a bit over the years, but there is still a list of them. On top is to get my degree.  I stopped going to school to have children, then put off going back so Jim could finish his schooling. Well, then the rest of life got in the way. You know the story. It's certainly not unique to me. It isn't unusual for mothers/wives to put the rest of the family first. Certainly my own mother put all of us before her own wishes. And in fact, my Mother-In-Law is my inspiration for this goal. She was quite the 'go-getter'. This might just be the year for some serious consideration. Happy 2012!

An Angry Era

     The news is full of stories about young people railing against something; society, law enforcement, an education system, another group of young people, etc. I understand the need for people to push for change. When I was younger, I thought I should have a cause, some corner of my world that I could improve.
     I don't know if I did anything during my life that will leave a lasting impression with anyone. If I did, I'm certain it won't last longer than the lifetime of my grandchildren. One thing I do know is that I have never been that angry about anything. I've been dissatisfied and discontented and I've worked to make bad situations better.
     For a very long time I worried the world was getting darker. Then it occurred to me that perhaps the world isn't that much different than when I was younger. Technology has erupted into a multi-headed monster. Machines are electronic and far more complex, but opportunities and possibilities are still unlimited if you dare to dream and be creative.
      So, what makes those young people so angry? It seems to me, the biggest obstacle to someone's happiness is their inability to accept disappointment. When things don't go as planned, they don't know how to regroup and come up with a new plan because we as a society spent years telling them they controlled the world. We encouraged them to be the best and to have the best. We're forgetting to teach them true happiness will come from the connections you build with other people. The more of yourself that you give to others, the stronger and happier you will become.

Promises

    It's beautiful outside my window. I love to sit and look out onto our treasures. It's a simple area. There are no mountains or lakes or old majestic trees, but there is promise.  There are new houses springing up over the hill to the left.  Behind and just to the right of the houses, in the distance, is a line of newly planted evergreens intended as a wind block when they grow tall and strong. Skirting our back yard is the park and playground.  Dotting the park land are small new trees, their bare branches stretched out like fingers reaching up to the sky as if to ask for the sun and rain which feed them.. Their mounds of dark brown mulch look like chocolate pillows cradling their babies. 
    The new houses promise neighbors and friends; the young evergreens, protection and warmth. The park and playground promise laughter as the kids enjoy the swings and slides and dig in the sand.  The trees snuggled in their pillows, promise a home to the abundant animal life.
    It may not seem like much, but it's everything. I love to come home and take in all the promises.  This is a blessing I truly recognize.