What a whirlwind

     Wow! I'm simply stunned by how quickly one's life can change and so much of it, a direct result of self-talk. In a matter of moments you can be headed in one direction and suddenly end up upside down.
     I've been exhausted for months and chalked it up to the major stresses that seem to come relentlessly; the loss of regular contact with my youngest son and my granddaughter, the death of one of my older brothers, the impending death my younger brother and the general stresses of working for a public entity. For the past few weeks I'd felt constantly queasy. I took the day off of work on Tuesday because I just wasn't feeling 'great'.
     I felt guilty because I questioned whether I was using it as an excuse to be lazy. I couldn't just lay down and rest, because I wasn't running a fever or throwing up or displaying any other obvious signs of illness. So I made myself get up and go to work on Wednesday. I told myself, I couldn't just stop my life and get off for awhile. When I got to work, I decided I was being silly. 'Just go to the doctor and get something to settle my stomach and get on with the business of living'. I got on the phone made an appointment for later that morning and patted myself on the back for being a 'big girl'.
     I discussed my symptoms with my doctor. She would draw some blood and run some test. Perhaps she would also take an x-ray of my abdomen and 'check my bowel, check my gallbladder, my pancreas, etc.' (ding-ding-ding). A little bell went off in my head. I needed to mention that pancreatic cancer is prevalent in my family. My father died of complications from the surgery for it, and my youngest brother is dealing with Pancreatic Cancer that has spread to his liver. That information changed her plans. She would still run the blood tests, but she would send me over to the hospital for a CT scan instead of the x-ray. The hospital would call her while I was still there to discuss the results of the scan. I wasn't overly concerned because she has been as proactive in previous appointments, in fact it was a bit of a relief. I didn't believe I had cancer, but after feeling icky for such a stretch, it would be nice to verify it's absence.
     After the CT Scan, she ordered an ultrasound. The hospital called her to discuss the results and she asked to speak to me. She told me they were admitting me to the hospital. What??!!?? I asked her when. She said as soon as they could clear the bed ......... I had a gallstone .......... the size of a golf ball (ironic since golf is my latest competition for Jim's time).
     The next morning (Thursday) the surgeon removed my gallbladder and later that night they sent me home.
     I'm sitting on my couch after this whirlwind, trying to wrap my thoughts around having surgery as the rest of the world goes on. It's only been two days since I thought I was going to the doctor to get something to settle my upset stomach and it feels like a lifetime ago. Wow!

Be careful what you wish

    After recovering from the initial shock at the news of Osama Bin Laden's death last night, I felt an immense sense of relief.  I have lived with this awful fear in my life for the last decade, as I'm sure have others. People I know and love, as well as people that don't have a clue who I am, have been overseas risking their lives to help remove this fear.  For a few moments I was ecstatic it was gone. Then suddenly I was filled with sadness .... sadness remembering the horrors of 9/11 ..... sadness realizing this doesn't mark the end of the terrorism we will face ... sadness that one person can feel and spread that much hate .... and sadness because the goal of our mission was the death of another. 
     I have been praying for an absolute resolution to this fear for years and now that I thought it had been granted, I should have been happy. I wish it could've been different. I can't imagine another ending would have been possible, and that makes me sad.