Round 5

I decided to write again since it's "been a moment", and logged on to my old blog. I found this post from a few months ago and realized I have to share this before my new thinking will make sense, so here it is. This is from May of this year.
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   It's been a long time since I've posted here, but my life took off in crazy directions. It seemed out of control for awhile and it was taking me along. I was afraid I would end up crazy and out of control too, so I made changes. I made some BIG changes.
   There are always details in life that others control but affect us personally. Usually, I "roll with it" and adjust, but in this case, my job had taken so many turns in the last few years with a substantial staff turn-over, even the change was changing. The new leadership was going in a direction that was completely contrary to my philosophy of human interaction. The environment was filled with mistrust, cynicism, and competition and I could no longer function professionally. I decided to remove myself before it completely consumed me. Looking back, I probably tried to "roll with it" longer than I should have. It was unhealthy for me, but it's difficult to see clearly within the throes.
   It's been a journey of self discovery to say the least. I expected to feel peace as soon as I was no longer in the midst of the chaos. It didn't happen. I wondered if I was too hasty, but when I tried to imagine myself working there again, I had an anxiety attack. I had absolutely made the right choice. Perhaps I needed to add something that "fed" me, so I picked up crocheting. I had learned to crochet as a young girl, but hadn't picked up a hook in decades. It was cathartic to say the least. I've seen a shirt recently that says, "I crochet to keep from punching people in the throat".  That message is a bit extreme for me to wear, but I did giggle and I thought, "I really do understand". I have become uber-protective of my health, my time, my energy, and my sanity. I guess you could say I'm reclaiming some space to call mine.
   The crochet project I'm working on just seems to fit because each individual stitch is helping to create something pretty amazing. There are 8 rounds to each smaller part needed to create the whole. Each piece completely changes shape between round 4 and round 5.


ROUND 4

ROUND 5



In round 4 the piece is drawn up and tight, and in round 5 the piece is pulled flat and laid open. Since I like to use analogies to define concepts that are personal, I like to think of my life as being in the middle of "round 5". Looking forward to pieces that await.

Treasure

The real value of a gift is determined by the "true cost" of the giver, which cannot be measured in currency.

Do you enthusiastically accept all gifts offered..................... or only those which fit your standard?

When you are on the receiving end of even the smallest kindness, the message you send back, by word, look or action, can build the giver up or break the giver down.

When someone gives you a gift they are taking a risk, opening themselves up and making themselves vulnerable to you. Your reaction at that moment may be the only thing feeding their soul that day. Make sure you receive your gifts tenderly and thoughtfully!

What someone gives you .................. might be the ONLY thing they have to give the world at that moment and they chose you. Make sure you deserve their everything.

Life's hidden surprises.

     An amazing and overwhelming thing happened. Some friends and I were posting and commenting on pictures on Facebook from our years in high school. We laughed and talked lightheartedly about the years that passed and reminisced about 'back when'. It was fun and heart warming, and left me wishing to go back for a moment and enjoy some of those events with my current wisdom. More pictures were posted and there it was, .............................. THE PICTURE. My husband as I first knew him. It was taken 36 years ago on the same day my husband asked me out for the first time.
     We met in high school, technically during our freshman year, but we didn't really speak to each other until our senior year. He was the class 'jock' and I was the class 'nerd'. He participated in every sport that he could feasibly, while I was extremely serious about my responsibilities in life. We were an unlikely pair.
     As I looked at that picture, I remembered how strong my feelings were as a young girl. Sitting next to him as we looked at that photo, I told my husband he was so handsome in those days (not my most thoughtful moment). He feigned wounded feelings and wondered aloud why I used the word "was".
     What I couldn't articulate to him was the disconnection I felt from my feelings during that phase in our lives. Admittedly, we have aged. Nature has taken it's course and we did not escape her path.  The young man in that picture is definitely not the same man that sat on the couch next to me. He's lost much of his hair and his chiseled jaw has rounded a bit. Perhaps that sounds like a bad thing, but I don't feel that way.
     I look at my husband now and I see the hills and valleys of our life etched across his face. The laugh lines next to his eyes are amazing. When he's happy, his whole face smiles. The steel blue of his eyes have softened all the pain I ever experienced. The strength in his hands remind me of the many times he held me up when I didn't think I could face another tough loss/change/day. The sparkle in his eye when he does something childlike and mischievous makes me laugh even when I want to be mad at him.
     There is so much more depth to the man I see when I look at him now. That makes him so much more handsome and desirable than that young man from our high school days.  While I sometimes wish we had the strength and stamina from those days, I wouldn't go back now to the people we were then. I look at my husband and I still see the young man in that picture, but when I look at that picture, I see only a hint of the man I love right now.

 

Another New Phase

    Questioning ourselves is not that unusual. I often wonder if I've given something my best effort, if I've looked at a negative situation from all sides. Am I being fair? Am I being patient? Am I being reasonable? What is my contribution and what SHOULD be my contribution?
     I may have spent a little too much time this time around. The climate in my office has been deteriorating over the last several years. Each year I kept hoping it would get better as the new director settled into his responsibilities. I'd even seen small signs of hope, an new awareness here, an enlightenment there. I took inventory of myself. Am I doing my part to improve communication?  Am I giving him a chance?  Each year at the wind down of the busiest season, after I begin to feel human again, I decide it HAS to get better, "it can't possibly be worse than this".  But each year it's gotten worse. My coworkers are fighting among themselves, and the backstabbing and suspicion is at such a level, it is now unbearable. Every morning I had to convince myself to go to work ..... and I really like to work. In fact, the work itself is really good. It's challenging and rewarding and I know I do a good job.  For a very long time the feedback, from the other departments we serve, was enough  .......until it wasn't.
     I am in the final countdown to unemployment (at least as of this moment). When I finally decided to resign, I felt I'd failed. There was relief at having made the decision, but I was angry. I felt I had been forced to give up a great job.    
     The director pulled me into his office to discuss my resignation and see if I would change my mind. We discussed my concerns and while I was surprised by his responses, sadly, they were exactly as I had imagined. He felt it was appropriate to compare one coworker against another to encourage productivity. He was surprised that I didn't agree since he was using me as an example of how my coworkers should step up. In his mind I should have taken it as a compliment. That was only the 'straw' however.
     He doesn't believe in team work. One evening shortly after he took the position, he joked with me that he didn't believe in team work, he was going to have a "bunch of little clubs" and they would all be the 'director's clubs'. I thought he was joking, or at least would learn quickly why that concept wouldn't work. It's not going to be during my time on the job.
     I have six work days remaining and I know I will miss my job. Not as it is now, but as it was three years ago and for the seven years before that, when we worked together and supported each other.
    What I learned from this experience is, you should trust and be kind to yourself too.
    How I will spend my time is not yet determined, but my priorities are back in order and my health is recovering. More importantly, I like me better.

I knew this woman.......

     I'm not ashamed to admit that I am not the person you know. I haven't become me yet. What you see are fragments of the end result. I pretend a little every day. I guess you could call me a "phony". I won't even be offended. For me, the hardest part about life is failing to be the person I pretend to be. I must practice more everyday. 
     When I was young, my father told me with enough practice I can become good at anything I choose. So, ............... I choose to be better. I choose to be positive. I choose to be compassionate, I choose to be selfless. I choose to be forgiving and sensitive to others, I choose to be kind, open and accepting, I choose to be loving.
     It is my intention to be phony until I'm not. I am on the "fake-it-until-you-make-it" bandwagon.
     For years I worried people would find out I'm not as good as I try to be. I felt bad about being a fake until I realized, in my charade I commit acts of kindness and I act like a better person. What would life really be like if more people "acted" like better people. Would there be a bunch of phonies walking around committing acts of kindness?  I'd take that any day over a bunch of "real" people walking around criticizing others for being fake. I know plenty of "real" people who pretend they don't care what others think of them. So many people post that sentiment on Facebook every day. I believe the truth is, we all care what others think of us. I believe we should care. It's the only hope of becoming better. The benefit to pretending is if you accidentally let others get a peek of the "real" you, you can start right away pretending to be better again.
    

Stress is ageless

   Is there someone creating extra stress for you? Are they impatient or at least not very understanding? Does it seem they expect more from you than you have to give?  Perhaps you wish you could press a 'pause' button and deal with them when you're ready. It's not that you want them to disappear, but if they could just back off for a few minutes/days/weeks until you can catch your breath you would be so grateful!
   Each of us have people in our lives that demand a lot of time and attention. It's understandable when they're really little. We can even reasonably expect to give our teenagers some leeway to be selfish and demanding. They are on the cusp of becoming an adult, which can admittedly be one of the most exciting and yet scariest times of their life.
    Before you make a hasty judgement, ask yourself what you expect from THEM. Do they serve a need in your life? Are you allowing them in your life when you need them and then wanting them to stand by until you're ready for them again? What purpose are you serving in their life?  How are you serving them? 
   Once you reach the age of reason; once you can tell the difference between right and wrong, it's time to step up and pitch in, to give back. It's time to become a 'contributing member of society'. That doesn't just mean you get a job and pay taxes, etc. You may not even be old enough to get a job, but you are probably old enough to contribute to the efforts made on behalf of your family, your school, your church, your community, etc. in whatever way you are capable. There is no excuse to continue receiving benefit in any area of your life without also adding to the well being of those around you.
   So I would ask you again to consider what benefit YOU are adding to the person that is expecting too much from you? Even if the only contribution you have for them is simple communication, you owe them that much at least. You may find that is really all they need from you. A little respect and consideration goes so very far.
   If you are of the age of reason, step up and do your part to balance your existence. To the people that feed our life in any way, I firmly believe we owe effort.

Go Big Red!!

     Today is the last home football game of the regular 2012 season for the Nebraska Cornhuskers. Some of you reading this are groaning right now because you hate the Cornhuskers, a feeling I sincerely do NOT understand. How can one hate a team composed of college students? College teams are so completely different every five years. They aren't paid ridiculously senseless amounts of money, they aren't paid at all. Just a group of kids trying to make their way in the world, some hoping to become professional players, some just wanting to compete while they get their degree. Oh well, that's topic for another post.
     Nebraskans across the world have not been looking forward to today's game. Not because it's the end of the season but because it's the end of an era. Dr. Tom Osborne is stepping down effective January 1st. For those of you not connected to or passionate about Nebraska football, it's hard to explain this sentiment, but my nephew and his friend came pretty darn close to nailing it for me this morning. I'd like to share their words with you.

My nephew wrote:

    "This weekend will be Tom Osborne's 500th game in an official capacity for the Huskers. I was born in 1981, several years after he had taken over as head coach. By the time I was of age to understand football, I already knew what Nebraska football meant to so many. Husker football Saturdays meant there was excitement in the air. It meant that I had to tune my Walkman into KFAB, it meant my dad and I had something to cheer for together....it meant our little state in the middle of the country had something to be proud of and brag about. This was largely due to the genius we commonly know as Dr. Tom, so this weekend Husker Nation says thank you...you did far more than simply win football games. To my friends not from Nebraska, I apologize for the rant.....most of you won't understand. But for those that do...I know you feel the same.
Sincerely,
a guy that will always be thankful to be from Nebraska...GBR!"


His friend also posted:


   "Husker football meant playing clean, winning with honor and losing with dignity. Playing as a team, even though some were stars, it was about involvement with something bigger than yourself.
Pride, sportsmanship, integrity, these were common threads through DECADES if winning seasons and stadium sellouts.
No matter what part of the state you came from : Omaha /Lincoln, suburbs, rural areas it small towns, our passion for Nebraska football bonded us together as a state over 77,000 square miles, so time zones, and disparate terrain. We are ALL Huskers."

   For the die-hard competitors, it's hard to understand that while the impressive win record is something we Nebraskans like to boast about, it's the overall commitment to integrity and strength of character that makes us loud and proud as we stand behind our boys. Those qualities are embodied in our very own Dr. Tom Osborne. He is genuinely loved and will be deeply missed by this institution as well as our entire state. I think it's safe to say, Nebraska football and the University of Nebraska at Lincoln will never be the same. Our prayer is that the new leadership understands these standards and respects them above all else.

  So to you Dr. Tom,
Thank you for being a true leader and selflessly devoting so many decades to our young men and women. You have touched millions of lives and directly impacted thousands through your example. "Job well done, good and faithful servant!"

Selfishness

   It feels strange to write about things that are truly and deeply personal to me when I can't put it into third person. If there isn't a nugget of wisdom or insight that I think worth sharing, I really don't know how to approach it. The 'real kicker' here is that it is really the bones of my life right now. So, I deal with it by writing. Maybe I won't press the "Publish" button. But.....if you're reading this, well then, ......... I guess I did.
   I'm struggling with allowing my emotions this week. I'm more than a little sad and angry. My younger brother died suddenly on Monday. It's not that his death was unexpected. He was very sick and had lived longer (and stronger) than all reason. Even with that, I WAS blind-sided by it's suddenness, I think we all were.
   Early in my life I took on the role of 'pleaser' and 'caretaker' and now I am paralyzed by my inability to take care of myself. I want to throw something and cry and plead for a pause in the turning of the earth, just one solid hour of complete uncontrolled release. And to complicate matters, many things make me angry. Not just my brother's death, but every unfair thing that is happening in the world today. I still can't let it out.
   The selfishness of the release is what holds me back from even one good soul-baring cry. I rationalize that I don't want to take away from anybody else's grief. The thought that my actions may overshadow someone else that needs more support brings me anxiety. Why don't I think I deserve to let it go? What would be the real cost of my tears and my anger and my grief?
   I don't know. More importantly, I don't want to find out. So......, the tears sneak out a few at a time and I wipe them away quickly. It's almost two in the morning and my husband has long ago gone to bed, so there is no real risk involved with a good quiet cry, but I can't even manage that.
   It's Wednesday (it's really Thursday morning, but I haven't said good bye to Wednesday yet.) and the last two days seem like four. The events set for tomorrow and the next day are 'later this week' in my mind. I keep saying things like "the other day" even though the instance to which I am likely referring may have occurred just this morning.
    My son, daughter-in-law and granddaughters were over for pizza and play time at the park only hours ago. It felt good to watch them play and see their smiles and feel their hugs, the first bit of normal I've had since Monday. While I long for normal, I know I need to feel the pain and the anger and let myself begin to grieve so I don't get stuck here in this place in my life between was and is. So, for now, I am praying for sleep to take over.

How do we live in the change

   Every event in our life creates a period of transition. For many events it can be a matter of minutes, others may require years. And then there are some that seem to throw our lives into perpetual transition.
  Yesterday, some of my family and I stopped by the funeral home to begin the preliminary arrangements for my brother's services. Most had been prearranged, thanks to my older brothers, who had the foresight years ago to sit down with him and work them out. As the director verified information necessary to begin the home's duties, the questions caused my mind to spin. My thoughts were in present terms AND past terms and some answers came in both, at the same time.
   I don't yet know what my brother's death will do to our lives. We are still adjusting to my other brother's death two years ago. How do you go from having six siblings to having five then four?  Well technically, you don't. My brothers are still my brothers. They just don't walk in this life any longer. There is some comfort in that, but it doesn't help the awkward moments when someone innocently asks, 'Do you come from a large family?' I used to enjoy that question.  Now it causes me to pause, sputter and stammer. I know the next question is usually "do they all live here?" How do I truthfully answer that question without making the inquirer feel bad?, without making me feel bad? My mother knew this would be my burden. Many times she told me I shouldn't wear my heart on my sleeve. That when I expose my feelings so easily I give away the power in my relationships. (Pretty ironic for someone with control issues, right?)
   This transition, this new status is what my family and I face for the rest of our lives, it isn't a choice. Thankfully, I know we will get through it and it will bring us closer. For this 'family strength', I thank my parents. For their love and unwavering support, I thank my brothers and sisters and their spouses-my other brothers and sisters. I love you all so very much, you give me continued hope and courage.

Our Journey Continues

   A year and a half ago, when I started this blog, I could have predicted this entry would be written, at least at some point. It seems it was inevitable.
   This morning shortly before breakfast time, my little brother took his last breath. We, his daughter, my brothers and sisters and I, were all caught off-guard.  The subtle signs were there. He had been getting progressively weaker, more tired and certainly less stable on his feet. But........., there were appointments on his calendar that needed to be kept. There were events he(we) still had planned to attend.
   Of course, none of those things matter now. Really the only thing that matters is that his struggle and pain are over. I wish I could say that makes this easier, but it doesn't.  I wish I could say the length of this journey has given us time to reconcile with his death, but it hasn't. As much time as we've had to talk about it, to rationalize, to plan, to offer each other our support, it's still never enough time to prevent the wound to our hearts. I can't predict how long it will take..... a lifetime I imagine. 
   And this part of the journey goes on for those of us left.  My brothers and sisters and I, along with our extended family, our children and their children will continue to hold each other up and urge each other forward until the next journey begins.
  

Lost and Found

Watching the crowd and listening to the stories in the music. I sat there, drawn into the shadows. I was allowing myself to lose control and it didn't concern me. In that moment, lost pain from fear-filled minutes of uncertainty in my early years spilled into my consciousness and I felt the air rush out of my chest. Yet, instead of drained and deflated, I felt weightless, I was floating.
I didn't understand before that very instant, what I long considered a single bad memory was, in reality, trauma.
Life altering trauma.
Unrecognized and unnamed. 
I allowed it to wash over me........... and tears fell softly and easily. It didn't last long and it felt like a redefinition of part of me. And when that moment was over, there was complete peace. 
I reclaimed some of my innocence.

That darn irreversible knowledge

    It's been about five months since I've posted anything. I've had many thoughts pop-up that would have made decent topics of conversation, just never at an opportune time for writing about them. I checked in today to visit some of the blogs I enjoy following, to 'see old friends' and find out how they're fairing. I found a "draft" in my own blog that made clear to me why I took a little (or not so little) break.
    I wrote the following post months ago and don't even recall the event or facebook posts that triggered the reaction.
     I was going to delete it, but as I reread it, I thought it might mean more if it doesn't apply to anyone in particular, so here it is; from some time after February but at least a couple months before today.

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    I don't like to log into facebook as much as I once did.  The posts that take a stab at others with words meant to appear vague and discreet, yet only serve up bitter vitriol, seem to be appearing with greater frequency.
    The anger and sarcasm weakly disguised as general comments are not only obvious, but suck a measure of joy out of the positive messages and pictures I would otherwise enjoy. I try not to acknowledge the negative posts unless they cross an imaginary line I've drawn for myself. More and more I find myself avoiding the people who post them.
      I'm talking about the people that need to make negative comments to or about someone else on a regular basis to feel validated. Usually the anger arises from something personal, an unresolved issue in the past. An issue between the poster and the person at whom the anger is directed.
     I'm not talking about the people that are trying to get through a difficult time or event they've experienced, an unusual burst of anger. Those are the people to whom I reach out and offer support. I believe we all need some leeway for the human condition. We all need to know people care about us.
     Because my friends' list is made up of people that are important to me, I walk this line carefully.

The slower days of youth

     Remember as a kid, wishing you were all grown up so you didn't have to be told what to do? I wished away curfew. I wished away high school. I wished away dating and courtship. Since I started making my own decisions time has flown. I have some distinct memories of wondering what some point in the future would be like. All those future points are in the distant past. Like looking at my oldest son crawling around on the floor as a baby in the living room of our first house, wondering what he would look like when he was nine. "Nine" was nineteen years and three grandchildren ago. Two of those grandchildren are his children.
     Yesterday I built a snowman with my neighbor and played in the snow with her dog, "Jack". Today my body is reminding me I built a snowman and played in the snow with my neighbor's dog "Jack". But the amazing thing is, for the first time in a very very long time, at the end of the day I felt like I'd had more than a day's worth of activity (fun and tasking). I had to remind myself that I had one more day in the weekend. I think the key is to fill several parts of the day doing something you really enjoy. After building snowman, I came inside and made chili and put it in the crock pot to simmer all day. I had some quiet time to myself to read and watch an old western on TV. Then in the afternoon, we got to spend a few hours with our oldest and youngest granddaughters, playing, laughing and reading books. Later in the evening my husband and I enjoyed the chili and some quiet time together. The day was exactly how I'd always imagined this time of my life to be, pretty uneventful but an average amount of fun. I'll have more of those days,.......... please.

Is it really funny?

     I was listening to the "Late Show" tonight and found myself chuckling at David Letterman wishing Dick "Boom Boom" Cheney a Happy Birthday. Most of the country, maybe even most of the world, knows of the hunting accident that involved Mr. Cheney shooting a hunting companion in the face. I think partly I laughed at the cleverness of this roasting under the pretense of good wishes and partly I laughed at the bold naughtiness of Mr. Letterman's comments. Then it occurred to me, as light-hearted as he wanted us to believe his comments were intended, he was still poking fun at what had to be a very traumatic event in Dick Cheney's life. Dick Cheney likely is expected to take it all as a good natured ribbing, yet it must dig deeper than we could ever imagine.
     I think it would be most difficult to force a smile, even superficially about a mistake I made that caused another person pain and suffering. Of all the pain I have experienced in my life, that which I have inflicted is more of a burden to me than that which has been inflicted upon me. So in retrospect I question why I would find myself giggling at the misfortune of another, especially of this magnitude.
     I don't find other people's suffering at all funny. In fact it causes me great distress. I can only surmise this type of humor must be a measure of self preservation, a way to keep oneself from being consumed by the pain of others.

New Year

    Just celebrated another birthday after the start of the New Year. It was difficult as a young child with a birthday right after Christmas and New Year's celebrations because most everyone is ready to get back into a slower pace and a little quiet. My birthday was pretty understated. As a child it was rather disappointing. As an adult I think I prefer understated. It goes along with my desire to be average. Sounds strange doesn't it!? It's the result of having an other than average life so far (as I see it).
    Because of the chronology of events I'm guessing, the turn of the New Year followed almost immediately by marking another year of my life feels like a chance to start fresh. All cliches aside, I like the hope of something better. It's a chance to succeed at becoming a better, more organized, happier, and healthier me. My focus is always on the little things; making my checkbook a better record of our finances so we can budget at a glance if needed; stocking the cupboards with healthier foods that all of us can incorporate into our daily diets without feeling deprived; encouraging my family to start fresh and get excited about their own plans and goals.
   One thing at which I've not been good, that I want to focus on this year, is begin to do more of the 'just for me' things that I've delayed so I could take care of my family's needs. But they're all grown and now pretty much on their own, or will be shortly. 
   The types of things I'd do have changed a bit over the years, but there is still a list of them. On top is to get my degree.  I stopped going to school to have children, then put off going back so Jim could finish his schooling. Well, then the rest of life got in the way. You know the story. It's certainly not unique to me. It isn't unusual for mothers/wives to put the rest of the family first. Certainly my own mother put all of us before her own wishes. And in fact, my Mother-In-Law is my inspiration for this goal. She was quite the 'go-getter'. This might just be the year for some serious consideration. Happy 2012!

Trust yourself

   I love to read. I read something every day. Sometimes I read books, sometimes I read articles. I have certain authors and certain genres that I enjoy more than others but there is a variety of topics that interest me. I think it's important to 'broaden my horizons' about subjects of which I'm not terribly knowledgeable. Considering many perspectives helps me form opinions. However when it comes to opinions, I don't consider anyone else's opinion to be more relevant than my own or my opinion more relevant than another person's.
   My point to this cyclical logic is that if you only use another person's insight as the basis for your opinion, then perhaps you should put down your book or newspaper, or step away from your computer, get out in the world and experience more of life for awhile. It isn't until you see, hear, smell and feel for yourself that you get the truths life has to offer. Once you do that in a way that opens your eyes and your heart to the idea of endless possibility, you will trust yourself. If you trust yourself it becomes unnecessary to be right or to have the last word.

My challenge for you today!

     Okay friends, I have a challenge for you, ........ a "dare". I dare you to do one thing each day for the next week that takes you out of your comfort zone and reconnects you with the person you want to be. I dare you to 'put yourself out there'. Say something or do something that positively affects another person, in spite of the weird looks and snide remarks you might receive.
     I'm not asking you to change the world, but if you do even one thing designed to make another person feel/be better and it takes a little courage on your part, it will have an impact on others, whether you see that impact or not.
     Here's an example of the type of thing I'm thinking about. Imagine you have a 'snob' in your office that clouds the office and makes everyone's job harder. Your coworkers avoid him/her because they don't want to be accused of being like them. You notice he/she has on a stunning new suit or they did some aspect of their job notably well. Stop them and sincerely compliment them as if you were already friends. It's a small risk, but it puts them in a positive personal light and removes some of the negative aura surrounding them. Immediately some portion of the tension in the office is gone. Everybody benefits. The same thing happens if you smile at people regularly. Eventually they realize it's sincere and they begin to smile back.
    I like to write comments on online news articles. We all have a tendency to pass judgement on people in the news with only the information in one article. We read a story, it offends our sensibilities and we lash out, mostly to prove to ourselves we couldn't be the person that makes a bad decision and ruins lives. 
   Strangely, even though we have the potential to be unreasonable, most of us are reasonable 95% of the time. It's the other 5% by which we will be judged.

Faces of Love

   I'm spending the day with my youngest granddaughter today and I'm very excited. Grandchildren fill your heart like no one else can. I know they love me because they are very demonstrative. When I arrive at their house, they run into my arms for a hug. They get sad when I leave and excited if I take them with me. All I have to do is hold my arms out and they snuggle in for a good cuddle. All of these actions warm me just in the thought of them.
   What fills my heart even more is knowing that with all of that, they love their parents more. Even though they reach for me and cry as I prepare to leave their house as if I must take them with me, given the choice of participating in the same field trip type activity with their parents or their grandparents, they will choose their parents.
   Occasionally, I envy the closeness some of my friends share with their other friends. I don't feel that way with my grandchildren. It's likely I will leave this world before their parents. My grandchildren need to feel secure in the face of uncertainty and their parents provide that for them. In the meantime, I honor their parents by making sure my grandchildren understand that I know mom and dad are the ultimate bosses where my grandchildren are concerned. It really puts me at ease to just enjoy my time with them and shower them with all the love I feel. It's a win-win for all of us.

You'll never know whose life you'll touch.

   I was reading the Omaha World Herald this morning and ran across an Obituary for William A. "Big Daddy" Sailes and started to cry a little. I'd never actually met "Big Daddy" Sailes but he was a very big part of my early years. I didn't remember that he had worked with my dad, but I knew he was a band leader.
   My parents were big into ballroom dancing when I was little. They used to spend many nights practicing in the livingroom of our home.  My father spoke very highly of Mr. Sailes and both my parents talked about how much they loved to go where his band was playing so they could dance to his music.
     For years after my parents' deaths, I wondered about him. I tried unsuccessfully to do some online searches to see if there was anything in print about him, but I didn't have the spelling of his name and it certainly didn't match the several variations I guessed from the pronunciation.
     Mr. Sailes was 94 years old. He lived a long life and I'm sure he touched a great many others. Even though I didn't know him personally, his life was personal to me and I will miss him. God willing, my parents will be enjoying an eternity of great music and great dancing. Rest in Peace "Big Daddy" and God bless you -Life well lived and Job well done!

About Faith

     I went to the funeral service for a dear friend's father yesterday. I was moved by the special touches in the service; the handpicked music and the personal references to his love for the outdoors, among others.
     But what stuck with me most was something the minister said. Faith is not something that removes all doubt, we have Faith BECAUSE of the doubts we face. For me it translates into 'Faith is Hope'.