Selfishness

   It feels strange to write about things that are truly and deeply personal to me when I can't put it into third person. If there isn't a nugget of wisdom or insight that I think worth sharing, I really don't know how to approach it. The 'real kicker' here is that it is really the bones of my life right now. So, I deal with it by writing. Maybe I won't press the "Publish" button. But.....if you're reading this, well then, ......... I guess I did.
   I'm struggling with allowing my emotions this week. I'm more than a little sad and angry. My younger brother died suddenly on Monday. It's not that his death was unexpected. He was very sick and had lived longer (and stronger) than all reason. Even with that, I WAS blind-sided by it's suddenness, I think we all were.
   Early in my life I took on the role of 'pleaser' and 'caretaker' and now I am paralyzed by my inability to take care of myself. I want to throw something and cry and plead for a pause in the turning of the earth, just one solid hour of complete uncontrolled release. And to complicate matters, many things make me angry. Not just my brother's death, but every unfair thing that is happening in the world today. I still can't let it out.
   The selfishness of the release is what holds me back from even one good soul-baring cry. I rationalize that I don't want to take away from anybody else's grief. The thought that my actions may overshadow someone else that needs more support brings me anxiety. Why don't I think I deserve to let it go? What would be the real cost of my tears and my anger and my grief?
   I don't know. More importantly, I don't want to find out. So......, the tears sneak out a few at a time and I wipe them away quickly. It's almost two in the morning and my husband has long ago gone to bed, so there is no real risk involved with a good quiet cry, but I can't even manage that.
   It's Wednesday (it's really Thursday morning, but I haven't said good bye to Wednesday yet.) and the last two days seem like four. The events set for tomorrow and the next day are 'later this week' in my mind. I keep saying things like "the other day" even though the instance to which I am likely referring may have occurred just this morning.
    My son, daughter-in-law and granddaughters were over for pizza and play time at the park only hours ago. It felt good to watch them play and see their smiles and feel their hugs, the first bit of normal I've had since Monday. While I long for normal, I know I need to feel the pain and the anger and let myself begin to grieve so I don't get stuck here in this place in my life between was and is. So, for now, I am praying for sleep to take over.