Stress is ageless

   Is there someone creating extra stress for you? Are they impatient or at least not very understanding? Does it seem they expect more from you than you have to give?  Perhaps you wish you could press a 'pause' button and deal with them when you're ready. It's not that you want them to disappear, but if they could just back off for a few minutes/days/weeks until you can catch your breath you would be so grateful!
   Each of us have people in our lives that demand a lot of time and attention. It's understandable when they're really little. We can even reasonably expect to give our teenagers some leeway to be selfish and demanding. They are on the cusp of becoming an adult, which can admittedly be one of the most exciting and yet scariest times of their life.
    Before you make a hasty judgement, ask yourself what you expect from THEM. Do they serve a need in your life? Are you allowing them in your life when you need them and then wanting them to stand by until you're ready for them again? What purpose are you serving in their life?  How are you serving them? 
   Once you reach the age of reason; once you can tell the difference between right and wrong, it's time to step up and pitch in, to give back. It's time to become a 'contributing member of society'. That doesn't just mean you get a job and pay taxes, etc. You may not even be old enough to get a job, but you are probably old enough to contribute to the efforts made on behalf of your family, your school, your church, your community, etc. in whatever way you are capable. There is no excuse to continue receiving benefit in any area of your life without also adding to the well being of those around you.
   So I would ask you again to consider what benefit YOU are adding to the person that is expecting too much from you? Even if the only contribution you have for them is simple communication, you owe them that much at least. You may find that is really all they need from you. A little respect and consideration goes so very far.
   If you are of the age of reason, step up and do your part to balance your existence. To the people that feed our life in any way, I firmly believe we owe effort.

Go Big Red!!

     Today is the last home football game of the regular 2012 season for the Nebraska Cornhuskers. Some of you reading this are groaning right now because you hate the Cornhuskers, a feeling I sincerely do NOT understand. How can one hate a team composed of college students? College teams are so completely different every five years. They aren't paid ridiculously senseless amounts of money, they aren't paid at all. Just a group of kids trying to make their way in the world, some hoping to become professional players, some just wanting to compete while they get their degree. Oh well, that's topic for another post.
     Nebraskans across the world have not been looking forward to today's game. Not because it's the end of the season but because it's the end of an era. Dr. Tom Osborne is stepping down effective January 1st. For those of you not connected to or passionate about Nebraska football, it's hard to explain this sentiment, but my nephew and his friend came pretty darn close to nailing it for me this morning. I'd like to share their words with you.

My nephew wrote:

    "This weekend will be Tom Osborne's 500th game in an official capacity for the Huskers. I was born in 1981, several years after he had taken over as head coach. By the time I was of age to understand football, I already knew what Nebraska football meant to so many. Husker football Saturdays meant there was excitement in the air. It meant that I had to tune my Walkman into KFAB, it meant my dad and I had something to cheer for together....it meant our little state in the middle of the country had something to be proud of and brag about. This was largely due to the genius we commonly know as Dr. Tom, so this weekend Husker Nation says thank you...you did far more than simply win football games. To my friends not from Nebraska, I apologize for the rant.....most of you won't understand. But for those that do...I know you feel the same.
Sincerely,
a guy that will always be thankful to be from Nebraska...GBR!"


His friend also posted:


   "Husker football meant playing clean, winning with honor and losing with dignity. Playing as a team, even though some were stars, it was about involvement with something bigger than yourself.
Pride, sportsmanship, integrity, these were common threads through DECADES if winning seasons and stadium sellouts.
No matter what part of the state you came from : Omaha /Lincoln, suburbs, rural areas it small towns, our passion for Nebraska football bonded us together as a state over 77,000 square miles, so time zones, and disparate terrain. We are ALL Huskers."

   For the die-hard competitors, it's hard to understand that while the impressive win record is something we Nebraskans like to boast about, it's the overall commitment to integrity and strength of character that makes us loud and proud as we stand behind our boys. Those qualities are embodied in our very own Dr. Tom Osborne. He is genuinely loved and will be deeply missed by this institution as well as our entire state. I think it's safe to say, Nebraska football and the University of Nebraska at Lincoln will never be the same. Our prayer is that the new leadership understands these standards and respects them above all else.

  So to you Dr. Tom,
Thank you for being a true leader and selflessly devoting so many decades to our young men and women. You have touched millions of lives and directly impacted thousands through your example. "Job well done, good and faithful servant!"

Selfishness

   It feels strange to write about things that are truly and deeply personal to me when I can't put it into third person. If there isn't a nugget of wisdom or insight that I think worth sharing, I really don't know how to approach it. The 'real kicker' here is that it is really the bones of my life right now. So, I deal with it by writing. Maybe I won't press the "Publish" button. But.....if you're reading this, well then, ......... I guess I did.
   I'm struggling with allowing my emotions this week. I'm more than a little sad and angry. My younger brother died suddenly on Monday. It's not that his death was unexpected. He was very sick and had lived longer (and stronger) than all reason. Even with that, I WAS blind-sided by it's suddenness, I think we all were.
   Early in my life I took on the role of 'pleaser' and 'caretaker' and now I am paralyzed by my inability to take care of myself. I want to throw something and cry and plead for a pause in the turning of the earth, just one solid hour of complete uncontrolled release. And to complicate matters, many things make me angry. Not just my brother's death, but every unfair thing that is happening in the world today. I still can't let it out.
   The selfishness of the release is what holds me back from even one good soul-baring cry. I rationalize that I don't want to take away from anybody else's grief. The thought that my actions may overshadow someone else that needs more support brings me anxiety. Why don't I think I deserve to let it go? What would be the real cost of my tears and my anger and my grief?
   I don't know. More importantly, I don't want to find out. So......, the tears sneak out a few at a time and I wipe them away quickly. It's almost two in the morning and my husband has long ago gone to bed, so there is no real risk involved with a good quiet cry, but I can't even manage that.
   It's Wednesday (it's really Thursday morning, but I haven't said good bye to Wednesday yet.) and the last two days seem like four. The events set for tomorrow and the next day are 'later this week' in my mind. I keep saying things like "the other day" even though the instance to which I am likely referring may have occurred just this morning.
    My son, daughter-in-law and granddaughters were over for pizza and play time at the park only hours ago. It felt good to watch them play and see their smiles and feel their hugs, the first bit of normal I've had since Monday. While I long for normal, I know I need to feel the pain and the anger and let myself begin to grieve so I don't get stuck here in this place in my life between was and is. So, for now, I am praying for sleep to take over.

How do we live in the change

   Every event in our life creates a period of transition. For many events it can be a matter of minutes, others may require years. And then there are some that seem to throw our lives into perpetual transition.
  Yesterday, some of my family and I stopped by the funeral home to begin the preliminary arrangements for my brother's services. Most had been prearranged, thanks to my older brothers, who had the foresight years ago to sit down with him and work them out. As the director verified information necessary to begin the home's duties, the questions caused my mind to spin. My thoughts were in present terms AND past terms and some answers came in both, at the same time.
   I don't yet know what my brother's death will do to our lives. We are still adjusting to my other brother's death two years ago. How do you go from having six siblings to having five then four?  Well technically, you don't. My brothers are still my brothers. They just don't walk in this life any longer. There is some comfort in that, but it doesn't help the awkward moments when someone innocently asks, 'Do you come from a large family?' I used to enjoy that question.  Now it causes me to pause, sputter and stammer. I know the next question is usually "do they all live here?" How do I truthfully answer that question without making the inquirer feel bad?, without making me feel bad? My mother knew this would be my burden. Many times she told me I shouldn't wear my heart on my sleeve. That when I expose my feelings so easily I give away the power in my relationships. (Pretty ironic for someone with control issues, right?)
   This transition, this new status is what my family and I face for the rest of our lives, it isn't a choice. Thankfully, I know we will get through it and it will bring us closer. For this 'family strength', I thank my parents. For their love and unwavering support, I thank my brothers and sisters and their spouses-my other brothers and sisters. I love you all so very much, you give me continued hope and courage.

Our Journey Continues

   A year and a half ago, when I started this blog, I could have predicted this entry would be written, at least at some point. It seems it was inevitable.
   This morning shortly before breakfast time, my little brother took his last breath. We, his daughter, my brothers and sisters and I, were all caught off-guard.  The subtle signs were there. He had been getting progressively weaker, more tired and certainly less stable on his feet. But........., there were appointments on his calendar that needed to be kept. There were events he(we) still had planned to attend.
   Of course, none of those things matter now. Really the only thing that matters is that his struggle and pain are over. I wish I could say that makes this easier, but it doesn't.  I wish I could say the length of this journey has given us time to reconcile with his death, but it hasn't. As much time as we've had to talk about it, to rationalize, to plan, to offer each other our support, it's still never enough time to prevent the wound to our hearts. I can't predict how long it will take..... a lifetime I imagine. 
   And this part of the journey goes on for those of us left.  My brothers and sisters and I, along with our extended family, our children and their children will continue to hold each other up and urge each other forward until the next journey begins.
  

Lost and Found

Watching the crowd and listening to the stories in the music. I sat there, drawn into the shadows. I was allowing myself to lose control and it didn't concern me. In that moment, lost pain from fear-filled minutes of uncertainty in my early years spilled into my consciousness and I felt the air rush out of my chest. Yet, instead of drained and deflated, I felt weightless, I was floating.
I didn't understand before that very instant, what I long considered a single bad memory was, in reality, trauma.
Life altering trauma.
Unrecognized and unnamed. 
I allowed it to wash over me........... and tears fell softly and easily. It didn't last long and it felt like a redefinition of part of me. And when that moment was over, there was complete peace. 
I reclaimed some of my innocence.

That darn irreversible knowledge

    It's been about five months since I've posted anything. I've had many thoughts pop-up that would have made decent topics of conversation, just never at an opportune time for writing about them. I checked in today to visit some of the blogs I enjoy following, to 'see old friends' and find out how they're fairing. I found a "draft" in my own blog that made clear to me why I took a little (or not so little) break.
    I wrote the following post months ago and don't even recall the event or facebook posts that triggered the reaction.
     I was going to delete it, but as I reread it, I thought it might mean more if it doesn't apply to anyone in particular, so here it is; from some time after February but at least a couple months before today.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    I don't like to log into facebook as much as I once did.  The posts that take a stab at others with words meant to appear vague and discreet, yet only serve up bitter vitriol, seem to be appearing with greater frequency.
    The anger and sarcasm weakly disguised as general comments are not only obvious, but suck a measure of joy out of the positive messages and pictures I would otherwise enjoy. I try not to acknowledge the negative posts unless they cross an imaginary line I've drawn for myself. More and more I find myself avoiding the people who post them.
      I'm talking about the people that need to make negative comments to or about someone else on a regular basis to feel validated. Usually the anger arises from something personal, an unresolved issue in the past. An issue between the poster and the person at whom the anger is directed.
     I'm not talking about the people that are trying to get through a difficult time or event they've experienced, an unusual burst of anger. Those are the people to whom I reach out and offer support. I believe we all need some leeway for the human condition. We all need to know people care about us.
     Because my friends' list is made up of people that are important to me, I walk this line carefully.