Questioning ourselves is not that unusual. I often wonder if I've given something my best effort, if I've looked at a negative situation from all sides. Am I being fair? Am I being patient? Am I being reasonable? What is my contribution and what SHOULD be my contribution?
I may have spent a little too much time this time around. The climate in my office has been deteriorating over the last several years. Each year I kept hoping it would get better as the new director settled into his responsibilities. I'd even seen small signs of hope, an new awareness here, an enlightenment there. I took inventory of myself. Am I doing my part to improve communication? Am I giving him a chance? Each year at the wind down of the busiest season, after I begin to feel human again, I decide it HAS to get better, "it can't possibly be worse than this". But each year it's gotten worse. My coworkers are fighting among themselves, and the backstabbing and suspicion is at such a level, it is now unbearable. Every morning I had to convince myself to go to work ..... and I really like to work. In fact, the work itself is really good. It's challenging and rewarding and I know I do a good job. For a very long time the feedback, from the other departments we serve, was enough .......until it wasn't.
I am in the final countdown to unemployment (at least as of this moment). When I finally decided to resign, I felt I'd failed. There was relief at having made the decision, but I was angry. I felt I had been forced to give up a great job.
The director pulled me into his office to discuss my resignation and see if I would change my mind. We discussed my concerns and while I was surprised by his responses, sadly, they were exactly as I had imagined. He felt it was appropriate to compare one coworker against another to encourage productivity. He was surprised that I didn't agree since he was using me as an example of how my coworkers should step up. In his mind I should have taken it as a compliment. That was only the 'straw' however.
He doesn't believe in team work. One evening shortly after he took the position, he joked with me that he didn't believe in team work, he was going to have a "bunch of little clubs" and they would all be the 'director's clubs'. I thought he was joking, or at least would learn quickly why that concept wouldn't work. It's not going to be during my time on the job.
I have six work days remaining and I know I will miss my job. Not as it is now, but as it was three years ago and for the seven years before that, when we worked together and supported each other.
What I learned from this experience is, you should trust and be kind to yourself too.
How I will spend my time is not yet determined, but my priorities are back in order and my health is recovering. More importantly, I like me better.
