Selfishness

   It feels strange to write about things that are truly and deeply personal to me when I can't put it into third person. If there isn't a nugget of wisdom or insight that I think worth sharing, I really don't know how to approach it. The 'real kicker' here is that it is really the bones of my life right now. So, I deal with it by writing. Maybe I won't press the "Publish" button. But.....if you're reading this, well then, ......... I guess I did.
   I'm struggling with allowing my emotions this week. I'm more than a little sad and angry. My younger brother died suddenly on Monday. It's not that his death was unexpected. He was very sick and had lived longer (and stronger) than all reason. Even with that, I WAS blind-sided by it's suddenness, I think we all were.
   Early in my life I took on the role of 'pleaser' and 'caretaker' and now I am paralyzed by my inability to take care of myself. I want to throw something and cry and plead for a pause in the turning of the earth, just one solid hour of complete uncontrolled release. And to complicate matters, many things make me angry. Not just my brother's death, but every unfair thing that is happening in the world today. I still can't let it out.
   The selfishness of the release is what holds me back from even one good soul-baring cry. I rationalize that I don't want to take away from anybody else's grief. The thought that my actions may overshadow someone else that needs more support brings me anxiety. Why don't I think I deserve to let it go? What would be the real cost of my tears and my anger and my grief?
   I don't know. More importantly, I don't want to find out. So......, the tears sneak out a few at a time and I wipe them away quickly. It's almost two in the morning and my husband has long ago gone to bed, so there is no real risk involved with a good quiet cry, but I can't even manage that.
   It's Wednesday (it's really Thursday morning, but I haven't said good bye to Wednesday yet.) and the last two days seem like four. The events set for tomorrow and the next day are 'later this week' in my mind. I keep saying things like "the other day" even though the instance to which I am likely referring may have occurred just this morning.
    My son, daughter-in-law and granddaughters were over for pizza and play time at the park only hours ago. It felt good to watch them play and see their smiles and feel their hugs, the first bit of normal I've had since Monday. While I long for normal, I know I need to feel the pain and the anger and let myself begin to grieve so I don't get stuck here in this place in my life between was and is. So, for now, I am praying for sleep to take over.

How do we live in the change

   Every event in our life creates a period of transition. For many events it can be a matter of minutes, others may require years. And then there are some that seem to throw our lives into perpetual transition.
  Yesterday, some of my family and I stopped by the funeral home to begin the preliminary arrangements for my brother's services. Most had been prearranged, thanks to my older brothers, who had the foresight years ago to sit down with him and work them out. As the director verified information necessary to begin the home's duties, the questions caused my mind to spin. My thoughts were in present terms AND past terms and some answers came in both, at the same time.
   I don't yet know what my brother's death will do to our lives. We are still adjusting to my other brother's death two years ago. How do you go from having six siblings to having five then four?  Well technically, you don't. My brothers are still my brothers. They just don't walk in this life any longer. There is some comfort in that, but it doesn't help the awkward moments when someone innocently asks, 'Do you come from a large family?' I used to enjoy that question.  Now it causes me to pause, sputter and stammer. I know the next question is usually "do they all live here?" How do I truthfully answer that question without making the inquirer feel bad?, without making me feel bad? My mother knew this would be my burden. Many times she told me I shouldn't wear my heart on my sleeve. That when I expose my feelings so easily I give away the power in my relationships. (Pretty ironic for someone with control issues, right?)
   This transition, this new status is what my family and I face for the rest of our lives, it isn't a choice. Thankfully, I know we will get through it and it will bring us closer. For this 'family strength', I thank my parents. For their love and unwavering support, I thank my brothers and sisters and their spouses-my other brothers and sisters. I love you all so very much, you give me continued hope and courage.

Our Journey Continues

   A year and a half ago, when I started this blog, I could have predicted this entry would be written, at least at some point. It seems it was inevitable.
   This morning shortly before breakfast time, my little brother took his last breath. We, his daughter, my brothers and sisters and I, were all caught off-guard.  The subtle signs were there. He had been getting progressively weaker, more tired and certainly less stable on his feet. But........., there were appointments on his calendar that needed to be kept. There were events he(we) still had planned to attend.
   Of course, none of those things matter now. Really the only thing that matters is that his struggle and pain are over. I wish I could say that makes this easier, but it doesn't.  I wish I could say the length of this journey has given us time to reconcile with his death, but it hasn't. As much time as we've had to talk about it, to rationalize, to plan, to offer each other our support, it's still never enough time to prevent the wound to our hearts. I can't predict how long it will take..... a lifetime I imagine. 
   And this part of the journey goes on for those of us left.  My brothers and sisters and I, along with our extended family, our children and their children will continue to hold each other up and urge each other forward until the next journey begins.