If you live together long enough.....

     Okay, I'm a wuss........perhaps. People that spend any time around me know I cry.  I don't cry when I'm sad........ or more accurately, it's not the only time I cry.  I cry when I'm happy.  I cry when I'm really angry.  Heck, I cry if I think someone else is going to cry.  I can be inspired to cry.
    I used to be embarrased by it, but the older I get the more I embrace it.  When I discovered the people around me weren't shunning me or shying away from me because of it, I relaxed.  I get teased occasionally, but it has never been mean or hurtful.  One of my coworkers will signal for me to start fanning my eyes if she's going to tell a story she thinks will touch my heart because she knows I'll cry.
     I think I realized it would be one of my defining characteristics the day my son and daughter-in-law told us they were expecting our first grandchild.  I had planned for the moment for years (I had her baby blanket made more than a year and a half before they were engaged).  I pictured myself jumping up and down and screaming hysterically, much like those scenes on America's Funniest Home Videos.  I couldn't wait to shout it to the mountain tops.  And yet when the moment actually arrived, I melted into a quiet puddle with my head on the table top at Applebee's restaurant, so overcome with joy and the miracle of it all.
     For some years, my husband didn't know what to do when the tears started to roll. He wanted to make it better. As time has gone on, I've worn off on him. Now at any unsuspected moment, he too can be overcome with joy or sadness, or even awe.
    One evening not so long ago, I arranged for our granddaughter to stay at our house for dinner and to take her home later. She had been sharing her once private 'grandma time' with her new baby sister for several months and never complained. I thought it would be nice to focus on her for an evening. It was spur of the moment and my husband had no idea.  When he walked in the door from work a little later, he was surprised to see her sitting there looking up at him. His eyes filled up with tears. He mentioned how much it meant to him for her to just be there when he came home. You would have thought I set it up just for him. 
     A couple months ago, when we learned our nephew and niece-in-law lost the baby they were carrying, we cried together. There have been studies that suggest when two people live together long enough and share life's experiences, they start to look alike.  I don't see it with us.  I do think if you live together long enough and share enough experiences, your hearts begin to look alike.

Irreversible Knowledge

     Irreversible Knowledge.  I don’t remember the first time I became familiar with the term, but it has haunted me ever since. We all have it.  You know what it is.  Those little pieces of information that come along and change the way you look at life; or handle situations; or address the people around you, etc.  I say it haunts me because even if ignoring the information has little or no impact on me day-to-day, I can’t.  Hence...irreversible!  Forget about pretending I didn’t hear it or read it.  I’ll only come back later and adjust for it.

    It plays directly on my most predominant weakness which also happens to be a strength for me.  I list it on my resume as “attention to detail”.  As a person, it makes me better and as an employee it makes my work better.  It also causes my coworkers to work harder.  We laugh about how ‘anal’ I can be.  On a good day they’ll tell me they’re better because of it.  On a bad day, they’ll grumble about the extra steps they now take.  In the end I appreciate the tolerance they show me.

     As a mother it tells my children I think they’re important.  As a wife, it helps when I’m looking for the keys my husband misplaced or the paper he can’t find that he ‘had a week and a half ago’.  But it also becomes the source of irritation when he asks for an example of a negative encounter I don’t want us to keep repeating.  I don’t forget much, at least I didn’t use to forget much but I’m older now too.  I explain I’m not holding grudges just analyzing our dynamics.   I like to think we’ve grown stronger as a couple because of it.   He can laugh about it now and I can laugh with him.

   The extra work I take on due to this phenomenon can be exhausting.  But, when it comes right down to it, I also sleep better at night because at the end of the day, I’m pretty sure I’ve done everything possible.

Will my ", but....."s be what people remember most?

   When you read a story of someone famous and/or accomplished at the time of their death, likely somewhere in the middle there is a comma followed by 'but........'.  The story then proceeds to detail the things that aren't as positive.  It may not follow that exact format, but you'll know to what I'm referring when you read one.
   I noticed it again yesterday while reading about Geraldine Ferraro's death.  Some of the events pointed out by the article's author weren't even her ", but........"s.  Her husband was charged with fraud.  Her son was charged with selling cocaine.  Were those events worth mentioning with her highlights?  I know she had her own missteps for which to answer.  Why are they important?  Is it because we don't want any one person to seem too accomplished or too special.
   It made me wonder, what will my ", but........" be?  I'm neither famous nor accomplished so perhaps it doesn't matter.  Then again, will the people with whom I spent my time remember me by the moments that were not so stellar?  (To my immediate family I plead, just smile quietly when recalling the Ice Cream incident!) Will it make a difference that I've tried to always do the right thing?  I'm not always successful and I've embarrassed myself on more than one occasion. 
   The best part/worst part is, I think I still have time to get it right, both the 'doing the right thing' and the 'screwing it up royally'.
   There is a poem that fits this thought and I absolutely love it.  It focuses on what we do and who we are, rather than what we have and who we know.
{ I don't think I'm breaking any copyright laws by reprinting it here since I've cited the author!   : ) }

HOW DO YOU LIVE YOUR DASH?
by Linda Ellis

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend.
He told of the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning to the end.

He noted that first came her date of birth
And spoke the following date with tears.
But said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved her
Know what that small line is worth.

It matters not how much we own,
The cars, the house, the cash.
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard.
Are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know what time is left,
That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what's true and real,
And always try to understand
The way that people feel.

And be less quick to anger,
And show appreciation more,
And love the people in our lives
Like we've never loved before.

We could treat each other with respect,
And more often wear a smile,
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.

So when your eulogy's being read
With your life's actions to rehash
Will you be proud of the things they said
About how you spent your dash.

Marriage or Civil Unions

     I was reading an article in the paper this morning about "same sex marriage" and it occurred to me, it's all about the semantics. I've removed myself from both 'for' and 'against' groups because I see valid arguments on both sides of the issue.
     Religious groups believe "marriage" should be between a man and a woman,and most believe it should be for the purpose of procreating. Equal rights groups believe no one should have the right to tell another who to love and to whom they may commit themselves. I believe there is a compromise we should consider with which the true "Christian" should be able to live and let God decide.
    I have a not-so-unique issue. I believe strongly in marriage and family and have led by example all my adult life, but my son is gay and I also believe he should have the right to commit himself to the person of his choosing. I struggle with this every day. My religion tells me it is sinful for him to live a gay lifestyle. My faith and my heart tell me that his lifestyle is not a choice and is not sinful. I raised him and know that this is not a rebellious path of his choosing. Being gay is not easy and it certainly isn't a "cause" he chose to champion.
     My proposal is simple and in my mind makes perfect sense for more situations than just the hetero and gay population. We should have a law that recognizes "marriage" as a union performed with the blessing of a church and "civil unions" for those legally uniting outside the blessing of any church. In other words, all would be "Legal Unions" in the eyes of the law.  Not just for hetero and homosexual couples but couples that have chosen to cohabit without sex and to be responsible for each other; for the purpose of raising a family or providing committed companionship to each other.  Let marriage be a term for religion.
     Single mothers and single fathers struggle everyday to meet the needs of their children and so many need public assistance for the minimum requirements of living; food, shelter, medical care, etc. Single people grow old and die of lonliness because they don't marry or remarry.
     If our society allowed one adult to commit to another to help each other with day to day needs like cooking meals, providing guidance, security and structure for children, sharing household chores, financial support, companionship, etc and insurance companies, the IRS, hospitals, etc. were directed to recognize them as committed relationships with rights and coverage similar to married heterosexual couples, I believe life would be less complicated. 
     Because couples can share household expenses and childcare needs, there would likely be fewer people on public assistance and fewer children left to run the streets antagonizing neighbors with loud parties and profane language. I'm betting fewer old people would die alone and the overall quality of everybody's life would be improved.
     Religions can define "marriage" in the manner of their choosing, same-sex or not, and their followers can join a church based on their beliefs, but the real choice is for all of us......do we really believe in treating all people equal as God tells us and the Constitution demands?  Do we believe in respect for all.  I think sexual preference should be a private matter, but we force people into the public light by making them fight for basic rights that shouldn't depend on sexual preference in the first place.

Simplicity

     Since I have only briefly mentioned our granddaughters up to this point, you might think they are a small part of our life. There are many facets, but our granddaughters are front and center. I never imagined how they would fill my heart.
     From an early age, I knew that I wanted to be a mother. While most kids, at some time in their lives, experience a heightened fear of death, my fear was not of dying itself, but that I would die before having children. Of everything I've ever questioned, having kids was not one of them. When I found out I was pregnant, I was ecstatic. I thought I couldn't be happier.  When I found out I was going to be a grandmother, I bawled like a baby. The wave of emotion swept over me unexpectedly.  Now, spending time with our granddaughters feels like the reward for every good deed I ever thought about doing. No one deserves to be this happy.
     Our first granddaughter, Abi is smart, funny, sweet, sincere, loving and beautiful. Only three years old at the time of this writing, she too was born an "old soul".  She's the oldest so we've had more time to develop a relationship and it is rooted and strong. She will always have a special place as the first grandchild.
     Our second granddaughter LiLi, lives hundreds of miles away.  She is seventeen months old and a fireball; bright and curious. She is playful and loves to be held. Her smile lights up her pretty little face as well as the room. Our time with her has been limited by proximity and her parents don't own a phone. We work harder for that relationship but it has been reestablished quickly each time we see her. 
     Our third granddaughter Josie, is only eight months old.. She is playful and sweet and lights up when her sister enters the room. She can't contain her excitement when Abi talks to her. Even though she doesn't yet speak, you can tell she is smart.  Plenty of cuddles and floor-play fill our time with her.  It's an easy relationship which is growing deeper with time
     Our 'grandgirls' are the definition of life. All things become new again when you look at life through the eyes of a young child.  The simple things that make them smile are what create the real joy in our lives.   

Our Journey

   Ever had one of those really long days that should make you grumble but you can't bring yourself to it? My brother had surgery today for pancreatic cancer!  I went to work really early for awhile then straight to the hospital to begin the journey of his healing. The journey of his healing.........my mind won't let me frame it any other way. Sixteen hours later I pulled into my driveway, exhausted and drained.  We spent most of those 16 hours waiting on others for news or direction. Nothing was in my control except the way I responded to the circumstances. I chose to look at the good.
   My family has been on these journeys so many times, some happy, some heartbreaking. We make them together. We gather in hospital waiting rooms and we laugh, we cry, we encourage, and we cajole. Today we picked on the oldest of the boys. His daughter pointed out that he needs a colonoscopy and we took it from there. We badgered him unmercifully right up to the point of scheduling it for him. All the while, the youngest of the boys was unconciously trusting his life to a man with a knife and God with a plan.
   The chaos of our circumstances is dimmed by the laughter, predictability and familiarity of family. I am amazed by how much love I feel from them and how much we enjoy each other's company. Our personalities and characteristics are so different but our connection is strong and deep. We have our parents to thank for that.  Today was a good day because my brother went through the procedures exactly as we had hoped and the news was the best we could expect.  The remainder of this journey, my brother's healing, will be what it is.  Whatever it is and whatever the next one, we will make then together.

Promises

    It's beautiful outside my window. I love to sit and look out onto our treasures. It's a simple area. There are no mountains or lakes or old majestic trees, but there is promise.  There are new houses springing up over the hill to the left.  Behind and just to the right of the houses, in the distance, is a line of newly planted evergreens intended as a wind block when they grow tall and strong. Skirting our back yard is the park and playground.  Dotting the park land are small new trees, their bare branches stretched out like fingers reaching up to the sky as if to ask for the sun and rain which feed them.. Their mounds of dark brown mulch look like chocolate pillows cradling their babies. 
    The new houses promise neighbors and friends; the young evergreens, protection and warmth. The park and playground promise laughter as the kids enjoy the swings and slides and dig in the sand.  The trees snuggled in their pillows, promise a home to the abundant animal life.
    It may not seem like much, but it's everything. I love to come home and take in all the promises.  This is a blessing I truly recognize.

Floating on a sea of hope

   I came from a not-so-small family and there was always something happening. Then I married someone from a not-so-small family and I doubled my calendar.  When our kids were small it was okay because our focus was on their needs. No one expected more of us.  We were young with a ton of energy, mental and physical and we juggled it well.
   As we got older I began to look forward to watching our children raise their families. I even had mental images of sitting on the porch watching our son toss a ball with his son as the sun was setting in the backround. HA! First mistake I made was conjuring up an image of his son. We have three grandchildren and all are girls (very young girls - the oldest is three). Please don't misunderstand me, I am thrilled with my granddaughters and the oldest can throw a ball very well.  But the crux of the matter is, I made a mental image of our life and how it should look.
    You can guess if I got one of the details so wrong, I got most of the details wrong. We spend no time on the porch. The other thing I hadn't calculated was the aging process. I didn't make room for deaths, divorces, heartbreak and health issues. It's expected now....... there will be things popping up at any time. In some cases we will be handling two or three crises at a time.
    Take last fall, (this is where the punch line "PLEASE take last fall!!" fits so well), our rollercoaster ride started when my husband helped move our niece and nephew from their home (they were losing it to foreclosure) into an apartment on very short notice. A couple months after they moved into their apartment, their apartment building burned to the ground. They got out okay but they lost everything except their lives. The following week one of my older brothers was diagnosed with cancer. We spent the next couple of weeks attending fundraisers to help our niece and nephew and their small children get back on their feet and to help my brother and sister-in-law cover the mounting costs of medication not covered by insurance.  The month after his diagnosis my brother died of a heart attack. It seems we put on our blinders and trudged forward, one foot after the other. Through all that, I find each of us takes a different path for grieving and healing and at different paces.
     My husband and I take a lot for granted. What that tells me is we have so much for which to be thankful, we forget it's not that way for everyone.  I'll work at recognizing my blessings.  Fortunately, 2010 ended. We toasted it's departure and talked about how much better 2011 would be. Well, in the words of Gomer Pyle, "Surprise, surprise, surprise".  Yesterday, my younger brother found out he has a tumor on his pancreas. 2011 is revealing it's true colors early in the year. I'm thinking if we are to stay ahead of the current in my 'sea of hope', I may need to pull out the paddles and start rowing like crazy.

Introduction to my ramblings

     Okay, here goes something. I'm not sure what it is, so I'll see what evolves along the way with anyone that joins me. I have all these thoughts that seem to muddle and linger, so maybe if I leave them here the rest of my world will be clearer. You'll have to see for yourselves if there's anything worth taking from my "ramblings" to use along the way.
    Let me tell you a little about me. I'm a wife, a mother, a grandmother, a sibling and a friend.  I work a full time paid job on top of my duties connected with my positions mentioned in the previous sentence, and I'm probably the only person in my life that thinks I have important things to say.  Now you are warned. If you continue to read you have no one to blame but yourself.