We went across the state over the July 4th weekend to see our youngest son and his family. Our visit with our granddaughter was bittersweet and frustrating. She's a beautiful little girl with sad eyes that look deep into her almost two year old soul. Our son and his girlfriend are doing the best they know to raise her. Unfortunately, love isn't enough all by itself and they aren't equipped for and can't maintain the level of care she needs and deserves. Each time we go to see them, we try to fill in the gaps and each time the gaps seem bigger.
We spent the majority of our weekend visit discussing recent events between them which created chaos and drama that spilled over into our lives (my husband's and mine). We set our limits for our involvement in their relationship and stressed the importance of considering their daughter's welfare first in every decision they make. We made an effort to fit in quality time with our granddaughter. Because of the distance between us, we only get to see her about every six months. Even so, each time we visit, she and I connect easily in a short amount of time. She cuddles and clings to me and it makes me feel protective.
Monday morning we were scheduled to leave. When we arrived at their apartment, I found a situation I couldn't overlook or rationalize away. There were empty beer cans and bottles on the porch of the apartment. When our son's girlfriend opened the door to let us in, we found an open, nearly full can of beer on the floor of the living room in easy reach of an inquisitive toddler. My mind went immediately to the alcohol poisoning death of a 4 year old about which I had recently read. I'd reached my limit. I told my son how I felt about his responsibilities as a parent. When I couldn't think of another thing to say, I left his apartment and sat in our car until my husband came out and joined me. As we talked about our role in this situation and what it should look like, I found myself dialing 911. We don't have the legal right to take our granddaughter and just leave, but there had to be some intervention that could take place. My son explained the beer was not theirs, 'they'd had a visitor that had stayed the night and left before we got there. The beer belonged to their visitor and they didn't know it was there'. A report was taken, and the officer said because my granddaughter hadn't awakened to find the beer, he would let 'Health and Human Services' decide if they would open a file on it. It wasn't enough to remove her from the home.
At times, the emotional and physical damage inflicted on my son by his biological family, feels like an obstacle to even the smallest amount of happiness for him. The unrelenting discontent he feels causes him to make rash decisions which sabotage his chance of establishing a life that permits even small successes. The dysfunction surrounding his girlfriend's childhood and even now, plays a big part in what they view as an acceptable way of life. I wish I could wave a wand and fix all their problems. It becomes more and more difficult to celebrate this little life that shows so much potential when there is a real chance she could become a casualty of their circumstances and there's little we can do to prevent it.
I don't know if we should be resigned to sit and wait for the fall out of their choices or if we should be more aggressive in our attempts to improve her situation. Legally, we haven't many options, we are only her grandparents. We have few rights where she is concerned. I hope when the time comes to step up (or step in) we will have the energy necessary to give our granddaughter what she'll need to get past her obstacles.
