Want some cheese with that whine?

     The worst days for me, the ones that I loathe, are the days I feel whiny. On those days everything seems negative and more personal. I imagine vague comments others make to be insults or subtle 'jabs'. Normally, I'd assume they're having 'one of those days', realizing it has nothing to do with me. I notice everything that seems contrary and get irritated by it. I wouldn't go as far as to say I become paranoid, because I am able to bring myself back to a place of logic and remind myself that it's only momentary, tomorrow will be better. I understand that it's my attitude that makes it personal.
     I try not to interact with too many people on those days, because I don't like me as a whiny person and I want to keep that particular side of me to myself.  When I must interact with others, all my energy goes into being positive and caring. By the end of the day, I'm exhausted. Most of us have seen the commercial with the "Easy Button"?  Well, I want an "Off Switch" so, on those days I can turn the rest of the world off for an hour and mope.
   Thankfully they don't happen very often, but yesterday was one. By the end of the day all I wanted to do was go home and hibernate for the night. (This is where I get to say, "I love my house").  Later, Jim came in after a disappointing soccer game (not because they lost, but because of player attitude) and asked me if I wanted to go out and get a bite to eat.  I really didn't, so when I heard "sure" come out of my mouth I was startled.  I knew he wanted to refocus, relax and unwind, so I put on my shoes and we went.  As it happens, it was just what I needed.  We didn't have to say much about our day except it was not a great day. We were able to chit chat about mundane, day-to-day things and relax.
   I worry that my whiny days have become more frequent but since I AM at THAT age, I know it could be my transition into the next phase of my life. (note how pleasantly I described menopause.)  Anyway, if you find some time that I am less than enthusiastic, I apologize in advance. You can bet it's not about you.  It's more likely me doing the best I can not to whine. After all, I have absolutely nothing (worth the energy) about which to whine.

Trust and Forgiveness

   Occasionally a random thought will grease the gears and sabotage any effort to put the brakes on the mind 'spin'. Last night on facebook, I found myself posing the question, "Is it truly possible to regain a broken trust?"
    In my case, answering the random-thought question alone doesn't help quiet the raging mind. It IS possible to regain a broken trust. I know because I trust again. It's not that I 'forgave and forgot'. I remember. I remember it well.  I vividly remember the pain of the betrayal, but I no longer feel it. I suppose it's more accurate to say I vividly remember my 'knee-jerk' reactions to it.
     At the time, I intended to end the relationship. I thought I would never get over the pain, that I would become more insecure than I was already, that I would have to live the rest of my life feeling 'not quite good enough'.  It shook me to my core. But in the 'healing years' amazing transformations took place. I gained perspective. It became okay to be less than perfect, because perfect truly wasn't working. Anger became an allowable emotion. I decided it was also okay to have expectations and to become more selfish.
     After a while, I started to have days that I didn't think about it. I was able to talk about it matter-of-factly, strategize ways to avoid situations that fed the distrust. Without the discussion and the strategizing, I'm sure there wouldn't have been full healing. The whole situation made me stronger and wiser. I'm richer for it. It feels strange to write, but I'm grateful for having gone through it.
     In the end surprising things happened. I am able to fully trust again. The revelations that followed changed my life and made me proud of who I am inside. To know I'm capable of complete forgiveness is empowering. To know that someone wanted my complete forgiveness is truly humbling. To witness the growth of this solid relationship brings me true happiness.

Anybody there?

     My coworkers and I received an email about a week ago from the district's main office. The email warned us that sometime in the near future there would be an article in our local newspaper which might include our personal information: name, job description, date of employment, salary, as well as our W-2 information, etc. By law the district is required to provide the information when requested as part of the "Freedom of Information Act".  You see, I am a "public employee" and the newspaper sent an official request for the information. 
     I have nothing to hide so why does it bother me that my name might be published?  I worked hard to create a reputation based on integrity, the quality of my work and my work ethic. During my last eight years in the public arena I've worked hard to maintain it. Everyday I answer calls from angry people that make assumptions based strictly on the public status of my position.  I have been able to maintain a professional demeanor in the words I choose and the tone I use as well as by how quickly I respond as I attempt to help every person I encounter whether by phone, email or in person.  I'm certain some calls are directed to me because I have been fairly successful at calming situations and I leave people knowing that I genuinely want to help them, whether or not I can deliver the result they desire. 
     Some callers don't ask for help, they just want to vent their anger.  They insist on remaining anonymous, begin the conversation with a raised voice and don't pause to breathe. I have been verbally assaulted, degraded and given directions for intimate acts that are physically impossible to follow, usually by people that have never met me nor heard more than an introduction from me, .........if they listened to it. I am regularly reminded by callers that 'they pay my salary' while my status as a taxpayer is irrelevant.
     A very large number of people that potentially may have access to my name, job description and earnings, don't care about my capabilities or my work ethic. It's been predetermined they don't exist. People aren't going to ask if I show up on time and work hard from the time I arrive until the time I leave. They aren't going to take the time to find out if I really care about my work or if I perform efficiently and effectively.  They assume I don't.
     In the newspaper article they won't include information about the quality or quantity of my work or the hours I donate every week. It isn't going to list the processes I've created that streamline production and save the taxpayers thousands of dollars every year. It won't detail the amount of work I process nor will it mention the additional sizable projects with quick deadlines our department tackles with strict instructions that we are not to take time away from our regular duties and the budget doesn't include overtime.
     I see the other side. I have been on the public side of the counter in many government/public offices. I have witnessed groups of people standing together, chatting, seeming to ignore John and Jane Q. Public while we wait patiently and sometimes not-so-patiently to be assisted.  As a member of the general public with an enlightened perspective, I understand those people are likely not the ones assigned to customer service or they may be enjoying an earned break in their duties, or they may not even be on the clock.  From my experience in customer service, I also understand perception.  If I were supervising them, I would insist they not stand and hold lengthy conversations (even about business) in view of an already anxious general public (even 'off the clock').  Misperception creates a suspicious public and damages good will.
    I appreciate my job, and I make sure I work at a level well above just earning my paycheck. The article won't reveal that or the many people with whom I work that feel as I do, and work diligently to do an exceptional job in spite of the challenges and negativity we face every day.

Different perspectives

   As a teenager working my first job, I watched my boss become really frustrated because some of the younger workers would walk in the door right at the start of their shift. They would spend the next five or ten minutes signing in, visiting with coworkers, putting on their work smocks, adding their hours on the time sheet, etc. before finally showing up at their assigned duty location. They thought it was okay because they walked in the door on time.
    One evening my boss called a meeting immediately after the store closed.  He explained that he was paying us for the hours we worked at the duties he assigned. He didn't expect to pay us for preparing to work or for the time spent visiting or tending to our own business before we arrived at our duty station. Even though I hadn't been guilty of these offenses, I could have fallen into the same routines because I hadn't thought about these things. He made sense to me and what he said has stuck with me.
   I'm a rule follower. If I don't like a rule, I'll work to change it, but .............. I respect people and their experiences. Most rules come as a result of a struggle or series of struggles. They provide structure and serve to 'level the playing field'. I've had to make a few of my own and I remember the time and thought I put into them. I hope to be given a chance to discuss the reasoning before my personal rules are broken or ignored.   
   At work, my coworkers and I have some pretty serious conversations. They are usually triggered by a phone call or situation we may be addressing. One recurring topic is the 'sense of entitlement' that people feel. Upon hearing that phrase, many people automatically think about 'welfare mothers' or unemployment. Yes, there ARE some obvious abuses to the welfare and unemployment systems in our country but, I wonder how many of us actually stop to consider our own sense of entitlement. 
   We all feel it on occasion and I don't think it's always a negative thing.  In our relationships, we want to need and be needed. We make a commitment to each other and expect to depend on that commitment. That sense of entitlement gives us security, strength, confidence and inspiration to struggle through the difficult situations we encounter, to be better and do better.
   However there are still things we feel we deserve even though it's not truly our decision. A woman I know has been at her job for several decades and has a set schedule. She believes it's acceptable to arrive at work 5, 10, 15 minutes or more after her scheduled start time, and not just occasionally, because she's an 'ish' kind of person. She'll also change her schedule without consulting her supervisor, to keep a coworker company when another coworker takes a day off.  It's a coworker kindness, but even though she works a full day, it doesn't always fall in line with the needs of the company. She feels entitled to make those decisions without discussing it in advance.
   Another woman woke up early and couldn't get back to sleep. For two days in a row she arrived at work an hour early. On the second day she told her coworkers that they didn't need to worry because she wasn't going to get more overtime than them, she would just get off two hours early at a later date. A couple of them were noticeably angry.
   Whether taking someone else's reserved parking space because they are on vacation, or taking an extra long lunch because the allotted time isn't sufficient to eat AND run an errand, people feel it's easier to justify these types of decisions because 'it's a big company', or 'I stayed later last week' whether it was requested of them or even necessary.
   If I could have one rule that no one had the power to change, it would be that when you make a decision that falls under the scope of another individual or within their world, you would do it openly. 'Have the conversation' in advance. Even if your decision doesn't involve the people around you, you will lose the trust of all who suspect you are being deceitful or self-serving.

The Pursuit of Stuff

   I don't believe in 'keeping up with the Jones'.  For a long time I despised the Jones. The pursuit of "stuff" seemed superficial and left me running in the opposite direction. That doesn't mean I don't like or didn't want nice things. It means our priority was elsewhere.
   When our children were young, we put our time and resources into them and 'made do' with what we had.  Every piece of furniture and every appliance in our home had come to us from someone else's home (except for the bunk beds I made with my own hands). We performed all our own maintenance and repairs even though we weren't necessarily handy. We installed our own fence, built our own shed, built our deck, etc. Those were opportunities for us to learn something new. I became the family barber/hairstylist, and I have prepared our taxes every year without fail. It was hard work and there were times I wished life were easier.
    I look back on the early years of raising children and realize how much we sacrificed to give the boys opportunities they wouldn't have otherwise had. We wanted them to feel the importance of family. It didn't seem like a sacrifice then because we were on a mission to raise strong, intelligent, competent, and confidant young men.
    I couldn't be more proud of them today. They have made their own opportunities and they are just as practical and resourceful as we were back then.
     A year and a half ago we purchased a new house that we had built. We bought all new furniture and appliances.  We chose an open floor plan in our area even though it cost a little more. We put in quartz counter tops, tile floors, a gas fireplace, etc., extravagances we wouldn't have considered years ago. For some of our recent projects; fencing the backyard, adding a larger patio, we hired/are hiring contractors to do the work.
     I began to worry that we were becoming the people I despised those many years ago, until I realized that we could give it all up in a heartbeat for something important. There isn't anyone to whom we need to show them. We're excited about these extras that we would have forgone when our kids were young. It's not that we have bundles of cash laying around or that we feel we NEED any one of them.  But each one is a gift we feel blessed to be able to give ourselves. It's affirmation that patience, hard work and prioritizing bring rewards.

Where's my smile?

     When stress builds up and I need a release, I usually find it in laughter.  More often than not, it comes from a memory of something our three year old granddaughter has said or done. But one memory comes from back in 1981. 
     My husband Jim and I were dating at the time. His nephew David was two years old and we were babysitting. As we entertained David, he entertained us.  David put the cover of a plastic terrarium on his head like a helmet and began to run around my apartment like a robot. Before we could react, David headed straight into a wall and was propelled backwards on to his butt. He sat there for a moment, didn't move and didn't make a sound.
    The whole scene was so silly that Jim, who is normally quiet and reserved, couldn't stop laughing.  His face turned purple from the laughter and noise actually escaped his mouth. Until that moment, the most I had seen or heard of his joy was a narrow smile and a nod of his head. Great memory for me but not the best.
    My favorite memory to date, is an event that I didn't even witness, but my mind's eye has made hilarious. When our granddaughter Abi, was an infant, on an evening we were babysitting, our son and daughter-in-law had asked if we would give her a bath. No problem ...we had raised three children from birth and had managed baths without a hesitation. That was my thinking at the time.  Later I decided I was too generous with the "we" in that thought.
     Jim arrived at their house before I did that evening.  I had an errand to run with our son Josh, who was eighteen at the time, so Jim decided to tackle the bath.  When Josh and I got to the house, I began puttering around on the main level and Josh joined Jim upstairs with Abi. Several minutes later all three came back downstairs. Abi was scrubbed and pink, dressed in fresh clothes and smiling. Jim and Josh were talking quietly. Josh stopped and asked me if you were supposed to fill the little bathtub with water when you give a baby a bath. I told him yes, knowing full well he had just tried to tell Jim it wasn't so. He turned to Jim and said, "See?" 
     Suddenly confused I looked at Jim, searching his face for a clue.  I asked him how he bathed her without water. He told me he had put her in the baby bath, put the baby bath in the main bathtub and filled the main bathtub with water. Then he said he 'kept wondering how to keep the little bathtub from floating around long enough to get her washed.'  Basically, he had taken her sailing.  I'm sure she thoroughly enjoyed it and picturing Jim trying to wash that baby while she was floating around gives my mood a real boost to this day.

Pieces of my puzzle

    There are people that just seem to 'fit' in my life. I don't have to work at my relationship with them, it's always there, right where we left off, no matter how much time has passed.  I think about these relationships occasionally and there are a few people that immediately come to mind.  Without even talking to them, they give me courage to face challenges and the strength to keep trying when I want to give up. They are my 'forever friends'.  Today I discovered two more forever friends I hadn't considered, my dentist and his assistant.
     My struggle with dentists over the years resembles that of a person who has poked a bee hive with a stick and is just staying ahead of the swarm in the escape. It's been a nightmare until Dr. Franco became my dentist and Mary Ann, his/my dental assistant.
    For the first time in my half century of life, I feel like a responsible dental patient.  I don't wait until I can't stand the pain any longer before I go in.  I go every six months for my check up and cleaning..........because Dr. Franco gives me courage.  He took the time to listen to my horror stories, to ease my fear, to prevent unnecessary pain and to treat my mouth gently. He gave me back my dental confidence but it's more than just that.
    Several months ago, there was an article in our local paper about how couples met and married. It included the story of how my husband and I met.  Mary Ann and Dr. Franco called that morning to tell me they had just read it and how much they enjoyed it. I could hear their excited smiles through the phone. They said our story was sweet.
     Mary Ann and I persuaded the dental office to join in while we sang happy birthday to Dr. Franco a few weeks back, even the few that Mary Ann swore would never sing.
    This afternoon at the end of my check up, Dr. Franco said he needed to talk to me. There will be a letter coming out soon. His father is very sick, ....cancer, and is retiring from his own practice to focus on his treatment. Dr. Franco will be leaving to take over and preserve his father's practice. He felt bad and wanted me to hear it from him. I didn't realize I was holding my breath.  Then Dr. Franco said the new office was a few miles away and I let my breath out and took in another. I asked if Mary Ann would be going with him. No, there was a staff of assistants in place already.  He warned me that Mary Ann has already been in tears. She came into the room and I told her if she cried I would cry, so she left the room again for a moment.
     It wasn't even a decision for me. I will be praying for Dr. Franco and his family as his dad makes this journey.  I'm going to miss the easy conversations with Dr. Franco and Mary Ann because Mary Ann will be staying at the old office. I made plans to get together with her every once in a while for coffee (or something stronger) and I'm going to see Dr. Franco at his new office because he is my dentist and they both 'fit' my life. They are forever friends.

For Better or Worse

     One day at work somebody asked, "You don't like change, do you?" I had to pause. The question surprised me because I'm a problem solver. I seek changes to streamline my life and allow me to get the most from resources around me; more time, more information, more enjoyment, etc. I decided the person that asked me that just didn't know me well.
    Today, that question came to mind. My son and I went to our cell phone provider to switch his service from our plan to his own plan. I listened as he explained his technology needs to the clerk. I've been delaying my own purchase of a new phone because the current models have too many features I don't need. They don't make my life better, just more digital.
    My son's job requires that he communicate 'on the go' and in multiple formats. His needs are more complex, but to say a particular innovation is the best choice just because it 'does more' is presumptuous. To others, it might seem I have an aversion to new technology. That's not true. My needs are just simple. I carry a cell phone for my convenience and I use it sparingly. It's even more rare that I send a text message, though I am glad I have that ability. My job doesn't require a cell phone, I work at a desk all day. I'll survive without access to the Internet during my three mile drive to and from work. I'm not waiting for an organ transplant and Publisher's Clearing House won't call in advance. 
    Not all change is necessary or even beneficial. As long as I have the option, I will have a land line and an answering machine at home. I make myself available 24 hours a day/7 days a week to my family and close friends, everyone else can wait until the appropriate day at an appropriate hour. 
    So.......to the person that wanted to know, (I have no recollection of who asked) I think I do handle change ....................really well.

Change IS good, but only if it enhances our lives!!       

  

Blue and Green go well together

    I painted the bathroom today!!  Hardly seems like a comment worthy of two exclamation points when you see it in typeface, though it is for only one reason. We've lived in our house for a year and a half and every wall and ceiling is white, except now for the smallest room in the house.  Before we moved into our house it was the only room for which I had picked a color. It was to be a soft sage green. I was as certain of the color as I was of my own name. Green is my favorite color.
    When I went to buy the paint this morning, I took some items from the room to coordinate the shade. The irony is, I didn't buy the green I had set in my mind for so long.  I bought "Cool Sky" blue.  Blue is my husband's favorite color.
    As I was painting, I grinned to myself at how quickly I'd changed my mind compared to how long I planned on green.  I reasoned that blue and green go well together in the right shades. I started to think about how my husband Jim would not be as surprised as I was by my switch. Sometimes I think he knows me better than I know myself. If he were here right now though, he would have taken the opportunity to tease me unmercifully. I'm certain that will come later. It also occurred to me that the situation so aptly fits us.....well, our relationship anyway.  He is my green and I am his blue. We've adjusted our shades over the years, but we go together pretty well now.